(thunder crashing) ♪ One day the devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he was a minor demon ♪ Asked him to torture some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ Baron Mondo Von Doren ♪ On "Nightmare Theatre" - No, no, listen to me.

It was once a week.

There were these four teenagers who drove around the country in van.

No, I swear they weren't dirty hippies or hopped up on goofballs.

So, at any rate, they had a talkin' dog.

I mean, I know it sounds like they were stoned all the time.

One guy wore an ascot, which is sort of like a less manly bow tie, I guess.

One guy was names Shaggy, and he was always runnin' off with the dog, eatin' something called a Scooby Snack.

No, I swear they weren't doing drugs.

Listen, Mittens.

They would solve mysteries.

Let's say that a werewolf like you was scaring people away from the old mill.

Or a ghost was keeping people out of an amusement park.

Somehow, some way, these kids would stumble in on the situation and in 30 minutes solve the whole mystery.

Every episode, those meddling kids and the dog, did what neither the FBI or the local cops, nor any law enforcement agency on the planet could do.

Truly amazing.

Then they gorged themselves on Scooby Snacks and have long conversations with their dog about the meaning of life and the cosmos as Jim Morrison sang in the background.

I mean, sometimes they showed them sellin' Scooby Snacks to carnies, but I'm sure that was all on the up and up, oh wait, we're on.

Okay.

Hello, my friends, and welcome once again to Nightmare Theatre.

I'm your host, Baron Mondo Von Doren.

And here with me is Mittens the Werewolf, and we were discussing ridiculous concepts in entertainment as we wait for the most ridiculous of concepts, El Sapo de Tempesto to show up with tonight's movie.

- Hey, boss.

Hey, Mittens.

Here I am, fellas.

- Where have you been?

- Well, you see, I was down at the flea market lookin' for a new toothbrush.

You can get some good deals down there if you know where to look, and you don't mind swatting away rats or dodging the toddlers with rings of dirt all around their mouth.

- Wait, you'd buy a toothbrush from the dirt mall?

- Oooh, yeah, sure.

That's where I got yours!

Once you wash it off, it's like new, for the most part.

- Oooof.

While, acknowledging your lack of life management skills, I have to hesitate to ask, but do you have a movie for tonight?

- Well, sadly I do not.

But at the flea market, I found a table full of Herb Alpert LPs, tube socks, and unused exercise equipment.

Well, sir, holding up the legs of that table was this film can.

I stole it!

But I don't think they care.

Can you show whatever this is while I run and get a movie?

I'm not sure what's on that.

- I suppose.

Now beat it and go find us a good film for once!

I can assure you right now, folks.

He's not gonna find us a good movie.

Let's see.

Another chapter of "Radar Men from the Moon".

Try your best to enjoy it, folks.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

(dramatic orchestral music) (dramatic orchestral music) - When Cody gets here, give yourself up.

Try not to get too close to him.

- Look-- - Don't argue, do what I tell you.

- Don't move.

Drop your gun.

where's Graber?

(suspenseful orchestral music) I got the flying suit under control just before I crashed but I'd lost my gun.

When I tried to look for Graber and his pal, they had disappeared.

They must have taken off for the hills on foot.

- So where are we now?

- About back where we started except that we do know that Graber's been hanging out at Al's Cafe.

- They'll probably never show up there again.

- But I might find somebody around there who knows them.

Anyway, I'm going to give it a try.

I'll call you later.

- Sure, I've seen him around here and talked to him a few times but I don't know anything about him.

- What'd you talk to him about?

- Well, I'm a mechanic and the last time he asked me to do some work on a truck motor for him I couldn't handle the job, so yesterday it was, I told him to try Benson's over on the south side of town but I don't know whether they all went over there or not.

- Mm-hmm, I'll check up on that.

Do you know Benson's address?

- It's on Central between 14th and 15th, south side of the street.

- Mm-hmm.

Good, thanks.

- I'll let you know if they ever turn up here again, Mr. Cody.

- Good, see you later.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - [Krog] Krog calling Retik.

Krog calling Retik.

- Come in, Krog.

- We have the new ray gun ready to mount in a well-camouflaged truck, your excellency, and are prepared to renew our campaign.

- Good.

What are your first objectives?

- Since the authorities here learned of your planned invasion from the moon, there have been heavy troop movements in this area.

We plan to concentrate on destroying troop trains.

- Very well, work as fast as possible.

We must have Earth's defenses completely disorganized before we start our invasion from the moon.

- Yes, your excellency.

Is everything ready?

- Yes, we can pick up the truck and get going.

- Here are the timetables, and the map with the best points of attack indicated.

Cover as many of them as you can today.

- Right.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - No, I don't remember anyone answering that description but of course we run a lot of jobs through here and I don't know all the drivers.

- How about these trucks that are in here now?

- Well, this one and this one are a couple of my regular customers.

That one;s a cross-country job.

It came in last night for an ignition check.

I didn't see who the driver was, the night man took care of it.

- Okay if I look it over?

- Sure, go ahead.

- Get away from that truck.

- Hey, what's going on?

- Frisk him.

Stay out of this or you'll get hurt.

- [Man] Now look, I don't want any trouble in here.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - Let's roll.

The truckload of radios was a phony.

That whole back end was a fake door.

I'm sure they're planning on hiding something inside.

- Probably a ray gun.

- That's what I'm afraid of.

They'll probably start blasting again any time now.

I've sent Ted out to the airport to stand by on a plane with some light bombs.

As soon as we hear of any ray gun attacks, I'll fly out and try to locate that truck, then radio Ted to bomb it.

(phone ringing) Cody Laboratory.

All right, we'll be right out.

They just blasted a troop train in the east end of Carson Valley.

Radio Ted to take off in that plane at once and fly around out there.

I'll contact him as soon as I spot the truck.

- Right away.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - [Cody] Calling Ted Richards, calling Ted Richards.

- This is Ted, come in.

- [Cody] I've spotted the truck.

it's going along a dirt road just east of the end of the valley.

- I'll be right with you.

- [Cody] Okay.

I'll keep them in sight till you show up.

- Cody's after us again.

- We'll stop him, to the rifle.

(gun firing) Did you get him?

- No but I scared him off.

- So he can fly back and tell the cops where we are?

- So what?

By the time they get out here, we'll be long gone.

- [Cody] Ted, Ted.

- This is Ted.

- [Cody] You're headed in the right direction, just keep going.

I'm coming aboard.

- Right.

What next?

- The truck's just ahead, right on that dirt road.

- Okay.

- [Cody] Where the bombs?

- [Ted] Right there.

- Right a little.

That's good, just keep going.

- Okay.

(explosion booming) - What was that?

- There's a plane up there trying to bomb us.

Looks like he's coming back for another try.

- I'll stop, we'll give him a blast with our ray gun.

- Hey, they stopped.

- Looks like they're aiming a gun at us.

Dive on them, quick.

- Hurry up, he's diving on us again.

(explosion) - You missed.

- He was too quick.

Turn the truck around, I'll get another shot at him.

- Right.

- [Cody] They're getting set for another shot at us.

Keep going.

(explosion booming) (dramatic orchestral music) - Hello and welcome back to Nightmare Theatre.

So, "Radar Men from the Moon".

Yet another chapter in the seemingly unending saga.

Someday, I swear this serial is gonna end.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and hopefully it's not an oncoming train.

But if it is, at least it'll end our misery.

And speaking of misery, we're of course waiting for El Sapo to return with tonight's movie.

- Hey, Boss.

Hey, Mittens.

How you guys doing?

- I'm elated.

- Now don't be like that.

You're always so negative.

Just see what I brought you tonight.

- I am beside myself with anticipation.

- Well, tell me, boss, tell me.

What country produces the best science fiction films?

- Well, that's a good question.

Depending on the decade, there are two possible answers.

The United States or Japan.

- No, no, no, no.

That's not the right answer.

Think Northern Europe.

Way up there at the top.

- Hmmm, okay.

England.

England has produced some decent science fiction shows and movies over the years.

Do we have a British film tonight?

- No, no, no.

Think a boot.

- I'm gonna give you the boot if you don't tell me what the film is that you brought.

- I brought an Italian film.

- Oh no.

- Yes, an Italian science fiction film.

- Please tell me it was not directed by Antonio Margheriti.

I beg you, Sapo.

Please tell me you did not bring me one of that man's films!

- I don't know, but it has one of the coolest titles of all time.

"Battle of the Worlds".

Doesn't that sound great, boss?

- Oh no, it's a Margheriti, all right.

Perhaps his worst.

And believe me, that's saying something!

- Okay, calm down.

Can you tell me anything about this movie?

- Well, I once vowed never to speak of this film again.

But since I have no choice now, here goes.

Battle of the Worlds was made in 1961 and when seeking US distribution, every distributor approached, declined to carry it.

And with good reason.

Unfortunately, in 1963, a small company with nothing to lose, finally picked it up.

Audiences were horrified and not in a good way.

It was almost completely forgotten until another distributor found it in 1986 and it was released to no fanfare at all on home video.

- Now now, come on.

Let's be positive.

There must be one good thing you can say about this movie.

Like, for example, does it star anyone good?

- Well, yes it does.

It stars the great Claude Rains.

- [El Sapo] Now even I have heard of that guy.

- [Baron] I imagine you have.

Rains was nominated for four Oscars over the course of his career.

- [El Sapo] Certainly not for this movie though, right?

- [Baron] Oh no, no, no.

Not at all.

We'll talk more about Rains later though.

I like Rains and I really don't wanna besmirch him by associating him with this slab of celluloid.

- Well then, can you maybe tell us what this film is about?

- Nope.

Let's just start it and see what happens.

Folks, I warn you in advance.

I can't and won't be held responsible for injuries to your mind or soul caused by watching this film.

I've done my part in giving you fair warning.

So, sit back, relax, and let's watch "Battle of the Worlds" here on Nightmare Theatre.

(static hissing) (grand orchestral music) (dramatic orchestral music) ♪ Outsider ♪ The outsider ♪ Is calling ♪ Ooh ♪ Outsider ♪ Ooh ♪ Ooh ♪ Ooh - Fred!

Fred!

Fred!

- Eve!

Eve, I'm over here!

- It's approved!

The word came through five minutes ago.

when I was on duty in the laboratory.

They're going to let you transfer.

And I'm coming with you.

(dog barking) You've gone crazy.

(laughing) - Did you tell the old man?

- No.

- A little while ago, I made a wish on a falling star, as they used to do many years ago.

Now, the wish has come true.

When we get away from here, we'll be living among normal people again.

(eerie orchestral music) - I suppose I ought to wish you luck.

- Oh, Mrs. Collins.

Eve and I are going to get married as soon as we put this place behind us.

(dog barking) - That terrible dog!

He always barks when the old man stays up at night.

There is something strange in the air.

Don't you feel it?

Or is it that I'm just so sensitive?

Are you on the dawn shift too?

- Yes, for the last time on this dull island.

- Go ahead and kiss each other.

Don't mind me.

- The black widow.

She never misses an opportunity to stick her nose in other people's business.

- Still, that's good advice she gave us.

(chuckling) (machines beeping) - George.

Those meteorites are messing up everything.

- What do you expect on an August night?

- Take a look yourself, George, before it gets too light.

(eerie ambient music) - Hey, Fred!

Did you see what I see?

- Yes.

It's nothing.

- Holy smokes, Fred!

Wait a minute!

What do you think it means?

- I told you.

Those falling stars are muddling everything.

I need some coffee.

- Skip the coffee, Fred.

What can it be?

- I took some slides.

We'll find out in an hour.

- [George] An hour, my foot, we'll go to the electronic telescope!

- Precisely.

You learn that I'm the kind of man who takes his responsibilities seriously.

- Morning, Dr. Cornfield.

- Hi.

- Go on, tell him.

- Maybe we had better take a look through the electronic telescope first.

And check the reading in this area.

The whole thing's pretty unlikely.

- We both saw it!

- Let me see.

Come on.

- Can you tell me why Fishface is so frantic?

- George?

I'm afraid he's right.

I suppose I was just trying to avoid having last minute complications.

You must help me, Mrs. Collins.

- Me?

- Some very strong coffee, please.

I'll get some right away.

- Hurry up, Fred!

Let's go to the radio section.

I bet the other observatories have reported something.

- Don't forget, Reynolds, that we have the most powerful equipment in the world.

- What's happening, Reynolds?

- Something terrible.

(suspenseful orchestral music) Hey, Pat.

Anything reported from the other observatories?

- Just routine.

- That's impossible!

- George, please.

- The teletypist received over one thousand words a minute.

Maybe somewhere among the messages that haven't been decoded yet.

- My dear colleague, unusual messages are signaled by a red light.

And they're given transmission into coding precedence.

- Damn it all, Pat, what's that?

- It's Base Three on Mars.

For the last 97 hours, they've been trying to get through.

In vain.

- Base Three on Mars?

Bob Cole, my former instructor at military school is in command there.

What's the matter?

- Nothing important.

There's a magnetic storm raging, with a sodium formation.

Is that what interests you?

- Ah, nuts!

Take the sodium, and make yourself a bicarbonate.

- Well?

- Nothing here.

- The old man must be told.

- You don't mean to insinuate that I should-- - You are the dean, Dr. Cornfield.

- Precisely.

But he just ought to snap at me, and then I'd lose my temper.

- We have no authority.

- It's up to you, Cornfield.

- Nothing of the kind!

- Calm yourselves, gentlemen.

I'll tell him.

If it turns out to be a flash in the pan, I'll be the lightning rod.

This is my last day here anyway.

- Precisely.

After all, he was the first one to see it.

- Will someone please tell me what's going on?

I have never been known to snap at anyone.

(dog barking) - [Fred] Lie down, Gideon.

- Come forward, Steele.

I know all about it.

- I don't understand what you mean, Professor.

- I'm talking about the reason that brings you here.

Wake up, young fella!

I'm talking about the outsider.

- The outsider?

- It's all written there.

(light orchestral music) Right?

- Amazing!

How did you do it?

- Young fella, you and the others have to see and hear before you can know.

I have one advantage over all of you.

Calculus.

However, I'm glad to see that you at least know how to read it.

In spite of the disdain in which I hold all your stupid and dull mechanical apparatuses.

You think that I don't examine carefully, the readings that you send me?

The difference is that you accept those readings as results.

But as for me, they are merely elements in a formula.

I have been aware of this thing for the last five days.

And I have been curiously waiting to see when the rest of you would discover it.

- It was only just before dawn that we were able to-- - Oh!

So you didn't see it, until just before dawn.

And didn't any one of you notice the change of position of the two outer planets?

- Change of position?

- Infinitesimal.

It merely heralded the arrival of the outsider.

- Why do you call it the outsider?

- Because it comes from another galaxy.

It simply entered the solar system during the night.

- None of the other observatories have reported it yet.

- They couldn't.

They don't have powerful enough instruments.

- That's what Dr. Cornfield maintains.

- Ah, yes.

How very interesting.

I'm sorry to hear that I have an opinion that is shared by your Dr. Cornfield.

What the devil are you staring at?

Get away from me.

I can take care of this.

Anyway, it's all there diameter, dimension, speed, and course of the outsider.

Now you keep your trap shut to the others and get out of here!

- Professor, a foreign body, a planet, the outsider as you call it, has entered the solar system and is heading right for us.

Because of its size and particular characteristics, it won't burn up when it contacts the Earth's atmosphere.

It could be a catastrophe.

- Now, that's a perfect summary of the situation, so-- - Maybe it would be prudent, Professor, to warn the others.

The department, the High Command.

- Steele, I've already told you to keep your trap shut and get out of here.

- With pleasure.

In fact, I've also come here to say goodbye.

- Oh, if only I had a handkerchief, I'd burst into tears.

(light orchestral music) The ones who should've noticed it before you are those idiots on Mars, but since they're all army-- - They weren't able to, Professor.

They are surrounded by a magnetic storm, with the formation of sodium.

- Now, that's not a bad alibi.

(wind howling) - High Command, this is Mars Base Three.

High Command, this is Mars Base Three.

High Command, this is Mars Base Three.

Over.

We've lost contact again, Commander.

- Try it on microwave.

- Sir, there's another signal.

This is Mars Base Three.

It's for you, Commander.

- Plug in the speaker.

- [Fred] Hello?

Hello?

- Commander Cole speaking.

- [Fred] Hi, Bob.

This is Steele.

- Fred Steele!

Where did you spring up from?

- I have a message for you.

I'm leaving the island tomorrow.

Then Eve Barnett and I are going to get married.

- Congratulations.

But you've hit me at a bad moment, Fred.

I have a convoy coming in and until just a few seconds ago, my lines of communication were cut off.

You'll have to excuse me, Fred.

- Wait, Bob.

There's something else.

I'll transmit it in code.

- Fred!

What are you doing?

- He's a crazy kid.

He could've made a fine soldier, but he got a sudden passion for astronomy.

- Astronomy being called Eve Barnett?

- Exactly.

- I'll decode the message.

- Probably some more of his foolishness.

Do they answer yet?

- No, sir.

- Oh, so now you think marriage is a lot of foolishness?

- Not ours, Cathy.

What is it, Boyd?

- Commander, we've established contact with the convoy escort.

They're off course.

12 degrees from the curve of fall.

- Off course?

Connect me with the convoy escort.

Plug in the speaker, Boyd.

- Yes, sir.

Mike Sierra, one-five.

This is Mars Base Three, over.

(eerie ambient music) - Mars Base Three, this is Mike Sierra one-five.

Go ahead.

- [Boyd] Do you know the causes of your deviation from course?

- Cause is unknown.

We have been in freefall navigation for 103 Earth hours.

Deviation became noticeable just nine hours ago.

- Request permission to operate rocket propulsion motors in order to correct course.

- There's no other solution.

- Permission granted.

- Gyroscope's in operation.

Juliet Five, this is Mike Sierra 15.

Duplicate our maneuver, over.

- Mike Sierra 15, this is Juliet Five.

Wilco, out.

- Gyroscope set maximum.

- Gyroscope set maximum.

- Engines at eight Gammas.

Engines at 10 Gammas.

Inversion, 35 degrees.

- Will they be able to get back on course, Commander?

- I don't see why not, Boyd.

- Bob!

Fred Steele's message!

- Open the protective dome at the parabolic antennas.

Switch on the electronic telescope.

- The magnetic storm has passed its peak, but there's still an inferno raging outside, sir.

- Execute the order.

This is the space zone to be scanned.

- Yes, sir.

- The dome is opening.

(beeping) They're still off course.

With a constant of a two degrees increase.

- Mike Sierra 15, this is Mars Base Three.

Juliet Five, copy.

Increase rocket power to 12 Gammas and correct inversion another 15 degrees.

- Wilco.

- Engines at 12 Gammas.

15 degrees more inversion.

- Bob, look!

The outer satellite Deimos is out of orbit.

- [Bob] How far out?

- Six degrees, with a varied Martian displacement of 700 miles.

- Mike Sierra, 15.

This is Base Three.

Juliet Five, copy.

Deimos is out of orbit, it may intersect your course!

- It's coming towards us.

- We're falling!

- The cargo carrier can't make it.

It's too heavy.

- Commander!

(beeping) - Order the cargo carrier pilots to launch themselves in space to be picked up.

Hurry!

- Juliet Five, this is Base Three.

Adopt emergency system.

- Fred was right.

We must calculate mass, size, and speed in order to determine its field of attraction.

- Mike Sierra 15, this is Base Three.

Increase rocket power.

Attempt rescue Juliet Five pilots.

- Wilco.

Engines at maximum.

Juliet Five, this is Mike Sierra 15.

Prepare to effect self-launching.

- Ready in spacesuits.

Emergency system in operation.

- We have opened our depression chamber.

Minus five, four, three, two, one.

Go!

- Base Three, this is Mike Sierra 15.

Rescue operation effected.

Request maneuver instructions, over.

- [Boyd] This is Base Three.

Invert another degrees relative to tangent of 10 Deimos.

- This defies speed of course.

- Hold tight just a few seconds more!

- Countermand the order.

- But, Commander!

- Mike Sierra 15, this is Base Three.

Disregard last order.

Execute 35 degree inversion.

Speed 16,000 miles.

- [Lewis] But then we'll hit space for Deimos-- - Execute!

- But that's murder!

You're sending them to certain death!

- That'll do, Boyd.

- I'm sorry, Commander.

- I know what I'm doing.

Don't you understand, Boyd, that the fields of attraction have undergone an incredible modification?

- We're falling!

We're falling!

- Don't change course.

Keep rocket power at maximum.

Confirm!

- Lewis!

Lewis, answer!

Answer me, Lewis!

(loud explosion booming) (dramatic orchestral music) - We're getting away!

We're getting away!

- I never thought we'd make it, Lewis.

- They'll be landing here on Mars in a few minutes.

- Commander, please excuse me.

- Don't let it worry you, Boyd.

You just lost your bearings for a moment.

- Lewis, the first pilot on that spaceship is my son.

Thank you for having brought him back to me.

- You shouldn't thank me.

We must prepare a report for the High Command, and transmit to Earth its death sentence.

Mars Base Three, calling Earth.

- Folks, let me just say, didn't I warn you?

I try to be upfront and honest when it comes to you about this films.

And besides, it's not my fault.

You gotta blame El Sapo.

- Hey, boss, Mittens, I did the best that I could.

- You sure did and look what it's gotten us.

One of the worst movies we've ever shown, starring horrible actors and directed by one of the worst directors.

- Well, can you tell me a little bit more about this director?

- Why?

- Maybe we can watch it and figure out where the movie went wrong.

- Okay.

Here goes.

Margheriti directed a lot of films, over 50 in fact, often under the pseudonym Anthony Dawson.

Films with such memorable titles as "Cannibals in the Streets", "Mr. Hercules Vs. Karate", and "Mr. Super Invisible".

- You know, I have not seen a single one of those movies.

- Would you want to?

- Not after seeing this one.

But you know, he must've made at least some good movies?

- Nope, well, I guess to be fair, in some circles, his film "Yor, the Hunter From the Future" is considered a minor classic.

- And we should probably avoid those circles, huh, boss?

- Like a case of ringworm.

But there's a solid action star in that film.

Our friend, the great Reb Brown, who was also the first screen Captain America in the 1970s.

- Cool.

Is it too late to get that movie for tonight?

- Sadly, it is.

We are stuck with this mess.

- Dang.

- Listen, you picked it and you're gonna watch it like the rest of us!

Maybe this'll teach you a valuable lesson.

I doubt it though.

So, sit here, and you watch this horrible movie and think about what you've done to these poor people.

Let's rejoin the action in Battle of the Worlds, here on Nightmare Theatre.

- You know, I bet I'm gonna owe these people an apology when this is over.

- Yes, and I hope they don't accept it.

- I was the one!

I and Fred.

- Fred?

- Dr. Steele.

- Oh, yes.

Your boyfriend.

You disobeyed my orders.

- We saved human lives!

- Are you going to get a medal?

We won't.

Maybe the base commander on Mars will.

But we didn't do it to win a prize.

- All the more prize-worthy.

Aren't you aware, you silly girl, that by this preemptory gesture of yours, you've created a panic, before I could-- - [Eve] Before?

- Before I could complete my studies of the outsider.

- But, Professor!

- Oh, I know what you're going to say.

Something about the salvation of human lives.

You're a great disappointment to me, Miss Barnett.

- I've been here at your side for several years now, Professor.

And I've learned, if I may say so, to know you.

- And I have lived with myself many more years than you, if I may say so.

And I know myself better!

- Why are you so determined to appear pitiless?

- I have no time to lose in popularity contests, and you don't either.

Your young man is waiting for you.

Is that Commander Cole's report on the outsider's field of attraction?

- Yes.

- Goodbye, Eve.

Oh!

This is interesting.

I would almost beg your pardon.

Extraordinary.

This confirms everything.

Eve?

Eve!

Ah.

(dramatic orchestral music) - [Man] Five minutes to go, Dr. Steele.

- What's that for?

- I don't know.

- Fred, we can't.

We can't go.

- Why?

- What's happening now is bigger than we are.

- It's not only happening here.

It's happening in New York and Moscow and the tiniest village in Africa.

- [Eve] But here-- - The important thing is to face it together.

- Forgive me, Fred.

You've always done everything I've ever wanted.

You don't deserve.

But I'm not going.

- I'll go by myself.

- Don't fight, dears.

Neither one of you is leaving.

- Dr. Steele, the flight's suspended!

- And so are all transfer permissions.

All scientists have been mobilized as of today.

Let's hope they give us uniforms.

Then we'll all be equals together, won't we?

And, darlings.

You'll be interested to know that the old man has been severely reprimanded.

(laughing) - Reprimanded!

I have been reprimanded!

As usual, the bigwigs had to try to find a scapegoat.

- You must try to understand them, Professor.

The news caught them by surprise.

Panic has been widespread and perhaps they think, mistakenly, that if they'd been informed in time-- - Wonderful!

Wonderful!

What's your name?

Cornfield, I believe.

Well, Mr. Cornfield, you are wonderful.

You have a facile tongue.

Well, for once I will loosen my tongue.

I didn't say anything because I wouldn't have been believed.

You know, it's not difficult to tell the truth, but it's impossible to be believed.

You want an example?

Read it.

It's written here, that in spite of all predictions, the outsider will not collide with Earth.

Go on, get out of the way, Gideon.

That's the boy.

(dramatic instrumental music) - Professor Benson, in brief, you maintain that-- - I maintain nothing.

I ascertain.

I ascertain on the basis of mathematical elements, which are irrefutable, that the outsider will bypass the Earth at a distance of 95,000 miles without even dreaming of grazing the outside edge of our atmosphere!

- Greenwich, Mount Palamar and the observatory in the Urals, as well as the bases on Mars and the moon have formulated other forecasts that are very different.

Your esteemed colleague Newman and the great physicist Platov have expressed us their opinion-- - Mr. Cornfield, there's only one opinion that interests me, my own.

Oh!

One would say, ladies and gentlemen, that you are disappointed to learn that the end of the world has been postponed!

(alarm ringing) - [Announcer] Clear the launching ramps.

Spaceship Alpha 23 in arrival.

- Engines off.

- Welcome back to work, Cole.

- General Varek, my wife and assistant.

- We haven't a moment to lose.

We must go to the High Command immediately.

- I understand the fear psychosis is very grave.

- Everyone wants to run away.

But where?

It's impossible to predict in what part of the globe the outsider will fall.

Gentlemen.

- We have heard about the wave of suicides and riots.

- To stem them, we have even gone so far as to announce our official approval of the theory of that charlatan Benson.

- What is Professor Benson's theory, General?

- The outsider will bypass the Earth at a distance of 95,000 miles on its course towards the sun.

We know damn well it's not true.

- Of course.

- However, we have committed ourselves to destroy the outsider beyond the limits of the Earth's atmosphere.

- I've worked out a detailed development of the automatic plan of strategy, which you transmitted to me.

- Good, we will compare your conclusions with ours.

Your nomination as operational commander has been met with a feeling of universal relief, Cole.

- But my name's unknown to the public, General.

- Don't forget that you were the first to discover the outsider.

- All I did was receive the information communicated to me by Dr. Steele.

- I decoded the message myself.

- We know all that.

However the people have faith in you.

It's not in our interest to disillusion them.

- General.

- Today we are facing an adversary just as much to be feared as the outsider.

Public opinion.

- But the truth is-- - We cannot afford to split hairs.

From now on, we can only rely on one thing.

(soft orchestral music) - Eve!

Eve!

- It's useless.

You don't even exist for her.

- Professor!

Professor!

Professor Benson, it stopped just as you predicted.

The outsider!

It's started to orbit around the Earth!

- What did you say?

- Professor, it stopped at exactly 95,000 miles, just as you calculated.

- And it's gone into orbit?

- Congratulations!

Professor Benson, my congratulations.

- Stand back, you madmen.

Give me your reports.

It's impossible.

- [Cornfield] Why?

- The first time in my life I have made an error in calculus.

An error that is mathematically impossible.

The outsider should not have gone into orbit.

- Benson, is your little error in calculus the only thing you can think of?

- Dr. Steele, I have never held you in very high esteem, but I must admit that this time without knowing it, you have put me on the right track.

You're right!

For once, I shall not depend on mathematical calculations.

Cornfield you know, much better than I, how to operate these stupid visual screens that permit us to talk to the bigwigs in politics and the military forces.

I have no intention of speaking to them.

But you will.

You will inform them, in my name if you like, that the outsider must be destroyed.

And immediately.

(dramatic instrumental music) - Welcome back.

I hope you're coping with tonight's film.

If you wanna make it through to the end, and I wouldn't blame you if you don't, I'd suggest you brew up a strong pot of coffee because this film has been clinically proven to cause drowsiness and depression.

- Wait, wait.

I thought you said there was a good actor in this film.

- I did.

And there is.

Claude Rains.

- I have not seen one good actor yet.

Which one was he?

- He's the old man.

- [El Sapo] The guy who rants and raves and hollers at everyone?

The guy who spends his days tending to plants and scribbling down calculus equations on everything?

- [Baron] That's him.

That's Claude Rains.

- And this guy was nominated for an Oscar?

Really?

Are you sure about that, boss?

- Four Oscars in fact.

He was in some great films.

Films like "Casablanca", "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington", and "Notorious", just to name a few.

Now Claude Rains was forever immortalized when he was specifically mentioned in the opening lines of the song "Science Fiction Double Feature" on the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack.

For you see, he was also one of the original Universal monsters.

- Really?

Which one was he?

- In 1933, he played The Invisible Man.

One of the greatest Universal monster movies ever made.

- Well, if he was so great, how did he wind up in this film?

- Well, that's an interesting story, El Sapo.

- Oh, I love interesting stories, boss.

- Sure.

Well, Margheriti had made a previous film called "Assignment: Outer Space", which came out in 1960.

Astonishingly, it tanked at the box office.

So some business types decided they could improve the performance of this film if they added an actor that people, especially young people, would immediately recognize and appreciate.

They thought the right actor would appeal to the lucrative youth market and get the kids to come out in droves to see this movie.

So, naturally, the picked 72-year-old Claude Rains.

- So, they thought they could take a bad movie and put a good actor in it.

Well, how did that work out?

- What do you think?

- I think it was a colossal mistake.

- Indeed it was.

But I would like to ask you folks for a favor.

We all make mistakes.

Heck, I made one when I hired El Sapo.

We made a mistake in presenting this nightmare of a film tonight, but we shouldn't judge people by their biggest mistake.

If you wanna see a good Claude Rains movie, head down to your local video store and rent some video cassette tapes of his fine work.

Rent "Casablanca" or "Passage to Marseille" or even "The Seahawk".

Just don't judge him by this movie.

Instead, forgive him for it.

- Can you forgive me for bringing this film tonight?

- Never.

Now, folks, let's return to "Battle of the Worlds" here on Nightmare Theatre.

- Can't you get any closer with that telescopic lens, Boyd?

- This is the maximum.

- Spectroscopic examination reveals the existence of two mineral salts, unknown to the solar system.

- Complete absence of atmosphere.

Interior mass is not compact, possibly made up of gases.

- External radioactivity soundings, register increasingly high percentage.

- We could make more detailed findings in a reconnaissance flight to the outsider.

- Benson's against it.

- Benson?

- They all hang on his word these days and he just keeps repeating, "Destroy it immediately."

- With the radioactivity I just registered, I'd go slow.

If atomic missiles are used, the explosion could cause some pretty serious chain reactions.

- I think so too.

We must have more data to work on, no matter what the cost.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Professor!

I've never seen you before outside your den, as they call it.

- My dear.

- Aren't you feeling well, Professor?

- Ah.

- Here are the latest readings.

- Still all right.

They'll soon see.

Do you know what is the most tiring thing of all, Eve?

Having to communicate and explain, when the important thing is to know.

Do you love your neighbor, Eve?

I ought to say to the devil with them all.

My duty is to science!

I'm a scientist, not a defender of the human race.

So, they don't want to destroy the outsider, they want to explore it.

That will be funny.

Come along with me.

- Where?

- We're going to enjoy the show.

Come on.

I don't know the way.

- [Eve] Yes, Professor.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Professor, we are honored.

That's it precisely.

We are honored and-- - Do you mind if I sit down?

I've walked long enough.

- Sit here.

Oh!

What a lovely surprise!

Would you care for a cup of coffee?

- I'm not here on a social visit.

- Oh, excuse me.

- I've come to drink the cup of gall.

Cornfield, are you quite certain that you made it clear to the High Command my complete disapproval of this further waste of time?

- More than once, I assure you.

But the United Commission declared that the disintegration of the outsider would be too risky so close to the Earth.

- Idiots!

Is that where you look?

- Precisely, Professor.

We've just established contact.

- The image is clear enough.

They seem to have made some improvements in this field.

- Well this spaceship is equipped for an exhaustive examination of the outsiders' internal mass structure.

And the research exploration team is composed of the very best scientists in the world.

- I don't understand why they didn't invite you to the party, Dr. Cornfield.

- They will approach the planet until they are within 75 miles of its surface.

- What did you say?

- 75 miles.

Precisely.

- A match.

Somebody please give me a match.

- High Command, this is Bravo Zebra Eight.

We have entered into orbit and are circling on a radius of 350 miles.

- Proceeding with electronic soundings, over.

- Execute reduction of orbit and spiral course, over.

- Maneuver executed, everything in order, over.

- Looks like a kid show.

(chuckling) (dramatic instrumental music) - Watch out, turn back!

- Engines at maximum.

Inversion course 45 degrees.

- General Varek, why did you leave me grounded?

- You'll have other opportunities to play the hero.

Look!

(suspenseful orchestral music) - They're overtaking us!

They're overtaking us!

(lasers zapping) - Well, you've all seen.

And I've had my satisfaction.

I made no error in calculus.

The outsider should not have gone into orbit.

Since it did, it's because there was a voluntary modification.

- You said voluntary?

- Precisely.

Cornfield, put me in contact with the department bigwigs.

The time has come to look them in the eye.

Now, leave me alone.

I am Benson.

I want to speak to you.

It's about time I did.

- No one has ever prevented you.

- I want to be listened to then.

- [Man] It depends on what you say.

- It's very serious.

Your days are numbered.

- Just a moment.

I prefer that you speak before the United Commission.

- Professor Benson.

- Gentlemen, you have exactly 840 hours left in which to act.

In the meantime, the outsider will be tightening its orbit around the Earth.

It will descend to a distance of 45,000 miles from the Earth's surface, and then-- - What proofs do you have?

- You'll find them written there.

I take it for granted you know how to read.

- The formulas have just been photographed.

We will examine your hypothesis most attentively.

- This is no hypothesis!

I tell you that the outsider, in tightening its orbit around the Earth will provoke serious upsets in the balance of nature's elements.

Changes of climate and all orography in vast zones of the globe.

- You're concerned about the fate of the human race.

- You're wrong, my dear sir.

I am not moved by humanitarian motives.

- Well, then, Professor Benson?

- I want to know the truth.

- [Man] What truth?

- That's hidden inside the nucleus of the outsider.

I'll make you a deal.

- Benson, you explain yourself fast.

- Find yourself to the heart of the matter.

- Please tell us, Professor Benson.

- I have already determined that deep within the outsider there are conscious beings who come from another galaxy.

Fugitives, perhaps, from a dying world.

- [Man] Then, according to you, the outsider is a kind of survivor's raft.

- That's a colorful description, but it states the case.

These space survivors are attracted to the Earth's life-giving warmth.

Very well, then.

I present you with the possibility of saving the human race.

That is, to put it bluntly, I will save your lives for you.

Yours!

And yours!

And yours.

On one condition.

That you give me the necessary means for studying and uncovering the outsider's secret.

- What means, Professor Benson?

- I ask to have the absolute command of all operations invested in my hands.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Professor.

- Hmm?

Oh.

I scared them all away.

- Shall I walk you back to the house?

- In the name of the United Commission, I am instructed to communicate to you our most profound admiration and gratitude, Professor Benson.

The Executive Office has proposed you for the highest academic award.

- I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

- As for your request, the United Commission finds it necessary to turn it down.

- That doesn't surprise me.

- Under the circumstances, the initiative parties to the military forces, this is war.

- Well, I'm not of draft age.

(dramatic orchestral music) - "Nightmare Theatre" salutes Mars, population: idiots.

- [All] Salut!

(thunder crashing) (upbeat rock music) - So, he thought there was really something in this billboard.

He climbed up in the cup and he got stuck up in there.

Yeah, he got stuck and the fire department, the fire department had to get him out.

Oh my!

- Well.

- [El Sapo] Wow, look a-there!

- Welcome back.

As you can see, we're once again down in the sub-sub-sub-sub-basement, here in the TV station, and we're with the mysterious Curator and he's brought us more things from the Merill Movie Museum.

And tonight, it' looks like he's brought us the poster for the movie that we're actually watching.

- [El Sapo] Wow!

- Yeah, so this is an original movie poster from "Battle of the Worlds".

Looks much better than the movie does actually.

- Yeah.

- The classic science fiction movie posters had great art.

And this is no exception.

Just beautiful hand-painted pieces that they would do for these movies that would get people in the seats before they would necessarily be seeing trailers on television or seeing advertisements everywhere.

They certainly didn't have pop-up ads in those days.

So, this would be the main thing that would entice people to come see a film, would be the poster art.

And posters have changed a lot over time.

You can see, you might be able to tell, this is just on paper.

It's on the same kind of glossy stock that you would see a poster today.

They would send them to the theaters folded up so you'd see creases in them and this one's in very good condition for a poster of its age, but you can still kinda see the creasing in there.

If you compare that to a poster from today, like this one for "Iron Man", you can see that this was sent out flat.

You're not gonna see any kind of creases in the poster.

It's also a little bit shorter.

Around 1985, they decreased the standard poster size by about an inch.

Mainly to save on printing costs.

And this has been the standard ever since about 1985.

You'd see these in a lightbox with a light behind it and they'd look really cool, but I think there's something lost when you get in front of it.

- Absolutely.

Well, it also seems-- - The art of these old-- - It also seems like in recent years, that we've gone away from doing art to doing more photo montages.

It's the era of that sort of work, digital work has come into play, that we're not seeing the same kind of poster.

- You see some of that come back with the IMAX posters.

The big giant IMAX posters.

Which is great.

There's been some really beautiful ones done over the past few years, but for a standard movie poster, the photo montage has kinda gotten to be the standard.

But speaking of standard, posters used to come in lots of standard sizes.

Now they pretty much come in just the 27 by 40 that you're used to seeing.

And there's the big, they call them bus shelter posters, the IMAX film-- - The giant size.

- But the 27 by 41, which is the closest analogy to the standard poster size we have today, was only size that they used to make posters.

And they used to regularly make posters in all sorts of sizes and I've got examples of all of them.

So, this would be know as a half-sheet poster, and it's half the size of the 27 by 41.

These were very common.

They'd use these in theaters where they had limited space.

And this is another great painted piece from "The Incredible Shrinking Man."

- That's also much better than the movie.

Although that scene's in the movie.

It looks a lot better on that poster.

- Then the insert poster used to be a very common size too and I really love these.

- I do too.

These are really great.

- [El Sapo] Wow, that looks amazing.

- And the classic "The Fly".

- [Baron] "She would scream for the rest of her life."

What happened when I got married.

- Of course the Vincent Price original and not the Jeff Goldblum film from 1986.

But beautiful painted art, although you do see some photos with this as well.

And this used to be a standard size that you used to see posters come in very frequently.

- And then there are also smaller things that would be used in like theater windows and things like that.

- Yeah, so, this is exactly that.

This is a window card.

And this was made specifically for the theater to put up in the window and it was intentional to leave this kind of blank space up here because the theaters could literally write on the poster and write in the showtimes or any kind of information they wanted to put in about the film, they'd write on the poster.

So, to find them without the writing is rare and it is very much appreciated in the industry.

You will also often see that same size of poster with that top part cut off and it's to get rid of that kind of writing.

So, this is "Revenge of the Creature", the second Creature from the Black Lagoon film.

This is a trimmed window card, is what you see this called amongst poster collectors.

- [El Sapo] So, this part would've been trimmed off.

- So, that would've been trimmed off and another thing that's been done with this particular poster, a very common preservation technique for old posters is to back them with linen, so this has been placed on a linen backing to prevent it from getting crumpled or wrinkled more, torn more.

- And there's one more size that's almost not a poster but is sort of a-- - They call these lobby cards.

- Lobby card.

- And they'd come in a set.

They'd show several scenes from the film and there'd usually be a title card and then several scenes showing several scenes from the film.

So this is from "Earth Vs.

The Flying Saucers" and aside from, again, just being, you can see the paper stock is just regular paper.

It's not any kind of special stock.

Another thing that's very interesting about this particular one is it is autographed by Ray Harryhausen, the great special effects legend who did the effects for this film, and also by Curt Siodmak, who wrote the story for the film.

- That's amazing.

I'm glad we were able to teach a little bit about the history of movie posters here tonight.

So, why don't you folks get back to this particular film, "Battle of the Worlds" here on Nightmare Theatre.

- In substance, the operational plan is all here in these buttons.

The missiles, the spaceships, from the first through the ninth wave.

There are three regular strategic alternatives and one for emergency.

This automatic plan has been conceived by our military engineers guided by Commander Robert Cole.

He will take personal part in the operation.

- That's a good enough guarantee for anyone.

- We're depending on you, Mr. Barrington, this chief of the psychological bureau to unleash every propaganda means at your disposal to tranquilize public opinion.

- You can count on it, General.

I believe I have all the elements necessary.

- Gentlemen?

(light orchestral music) - Bob, don't you think Varek is oversimplifying?

- That's one way to gather courage.

- When I think of how we got married, based on a psychotechnical examination which determined the affinity between our individual characteristics.

- What's this all about, Cathy?

- Now I bless that psychotechnical exam.

I love you, Bob.

I'd like to have a house of our own, and babies.

- I don't remember that from the psychotechnical exam.

- But I'm happy, even like this.

As long as you never leave me.

Take me with you, Bob!

- Up there?

- The plan is all here.

I want to be included in one of those buttons.

But only because you're there.

This is the one, isn't it?

- The ninth wave.

The last one.

But you-- - Don't forget Benson.

- What's Benson got to do with it?

- Remember his prediction.

840 hours left.

- Only 118 have passed.

Even admitting that he's right.

(soft orchestral music) - Do I have to climb down?

Or can I listen to you from up here?

- I know the plan of attack.

First, the telecontrolled missiles will be launched, as a diversion tactic.

The discs will enter into their usual formations provoking, what the military experts refer to as the moment of neutralization.

Only then will the spaceships attack the discs and destroy them.

- That technique's as old as the hills, supposed to be clever tactics.

Why are you telling me all this stupid nonsense?

- The squadron commander is Bob Cole, who was the instructor of my class at school.

- Ha!

Fine class that must have been, judging by the results.

- He's asked me to take part in the expedition.

- [Benson] Young fella, this is a dangerous mission.

Or, as they say in such cases, a hopeless one.

- I know, but I need your permission.

I'm still part of the scientific complement here.

- I don't like the smell of this story.

- Why?

- Because it's inspired by non-scientific motives.

(bell ringing) - [Fred] Explain yourself, Professor.

- What the devil do you think I'm doing?

(dog barking) Eve!

I want to present to you a hero.

He wants to go to war, all because of you.

- Because of me?

- Miss Barnett and I no longer have anything in common.

It was all a big mistake.

- Fred!

- I've been made aware that Miss Barnett is completely indifferent, as far as I am concerned.

And fortunately, I've discovered that I have the same feeling of indifference regarding her.

- What a dull, silly little performance this is!

Right out of a 19th century melodrama.

- Professor, if Eve still interested me one little bit, I wouldn't be going out of my way to look for trouble.

as you seem to be intimating.

- Nonsense!

Human feelings are inconsistent.

In fact, they're the only inconsistent element in all nature.

(dog barking) Be quiet, Gideon!

I didn't ask for your opinion.

All right, Steele.

You can go with your old college chum, and have yourselves a nice class reunion.

I just had an idea.

Naturally, it's a great one.

(dramatic orchestral music) - High Command, this is Alpha 23.

Three disc formations sighted.

(beams buzzing) - That's enough!

Cut off the telecommand!

- Are you crazy?

- Cut off the telecommand, I say!

We must maneuver freely!

- That would be an act of insubordination.

- Two discs are heading towards us.

- Gamble your career, you idiot, if you don't want to gamble your life!

- Alpha 23 has cut off the telecommand!

- Hit one of them, Bob!

Not with the ray, run into him!

Don't look at me like that.

I'm not insane.

He can't see you, and if you don't use the radio, he won't hear you!

Go to it, Bob!

Do as I tell you!

(dramatic orchestral music) - It's Fred Steele's spaceship!

- Professor.

- Wait a few seconds, my girl, before you put me on the rack.

- You must pass as close to him as possible, almost grazing him!

Hurry!

(warbling) - Look!

- It's falling!

It's falling towards the Earth!

- The other discs are retreating!

- As soon as we're perpendicular to the Earth, I'll start the engines again.

- What about the disc?

- If it has as good a pilot as we do, it's safe.

- Cornfield!

Contact the High Command, immediately.

Tell them, in my name, to call back all surviving spaceships.

The fallen disc must be recovered, at all costs.

As for you, my girl, you get hold of that sometime suitor of yours.

If he's still alive, I want his report on the fallen disc.

And if the bigwigs don't want to listen to me this time either, you can tell them, in my name to all go to hell!

(dramatic orchestral music) - Welcome back.

Folks, it is what it is.

The outsider's gonna destroy the planet, Professor Benson is yelling at people, some other stuff is happening, Professor Benson is grumbling.

I'm not really sure.

I've taken a live and let live approach to this film.

I'll leave it alone if it leaves me alone.

Mittens, what's the plant you have there, boy?

I must say it's looking really healthy.

Are you using a new fertilizer or something?

I mean, it looks really great.

- I can answer that question, boss!

- Oh, can you now?

- Yes, sir, I think if you'll look around, you will find all of our plants are doing quite well, for you see Mittens and I have been using Professor Benson's kit, "Grow Your Plants the Professor Benson Way, YOU IDIOTS!"

- That doesn't sound like a very good product.

- Oh, but it works!

Your kit comes with everything you need to grow your plants the Benson way.

You'll get a pair of comically oversized glasses.

You'll get a big ol' stinky cigar.

- Now is that cigar really good for the plants?

- Apparently so, and you'll get chalk.

You can write down your calculus equations on your flower pots.

You can write down your innermost torments and rage-filled invective.

Or you can create an enemies list.

Whatever you like.

- In that case, this pot should have Margheriti's name on it.

- The plan seems to work.

The most shrinking violet becomes as tall as a triffid thanks to Professor Benson's patented method of rage, venom, and ridicule!

- Amazing.

Now, how does this work?

- All you do is follow Professor Benson's patented method of growling and insulting your plants and they are sure to grow if only in an effort to get away from you.

You'll get an entire booklet full of special insults and special instructions so you can use ridicule and sarcasm each and every time you speak to your plants.

Grow!

Grow, you stupid plant!

Grow, you fool!

- I mean, this seems kind of awful, El Sapo.

- But the results speak for themselves, boss.

Rude insults seem to motivate plants.

- Hmmm, I wonder if it works on people.

Let me see that booklet.

Go find a good movie, you stupid ape!!

Even idiots on Mars can see this movie's terrible!

- Sorry, I'll go get "Casablanca"!

- Maybe Professor Benson was on to something.

Maybe I've been insulting El Sapo incorrectly all these years.

Anyway, let's get back to the movie.

Watch it, enjoy it, you spineless slobs!!

(dramatic orchestral music) - It's slowing down!

- The disc is slowing down!

- But it can't free itself from the force of gravity.

It's blinging.

It's blinging!

- [Boyd] So is Cole!

- Soon.

Very soon now, we'll be looking the outsider's inhabitants in the face.

(dramatic orchestral music) - Quickly, Eve, connect me with Professor Benson.

- [Eve] Right away, Fred.

- We've forced an entry, sir.

- This is Steele calling Professor Benson.

- Speak up, young fella!

- Professor, we've entered the disc.

We've searched everywhere.

There's no one here.

- Who do you expect to see, your grandmother?

Look harder.

- Everything is connected to a cylinder.

It's transparent.

Seems to be made of quartz, with changing colors.

- It's there.

- [Man] What is?

- The cipher.

Get official permission, or steal it, anyway you like.

But bring it here to me.

(warbling) That's not it, Cornfield.

I detest your stupid gadgets, but at least I know that you should raise the frequency and reduce the wavelength.

- That's as far as it can go, Professor.

- Hmm, you mean as far as you can go.

Ah!

I was waiting for you, my girl.

Atmospheric radioactivity rising.

The outsider is closing in.

(brooding instrumental music) - Fred.

Listen.

(warbling) (wind howling) (dramatic instrumental music) (thunder crashing) - We can't wait any longer.

There are only 216 hours left.

Benson must be reminded of his own prophecy.

- The key to the cipher may be discovered any moment now.

Or maybe never.

- It's a terrible drawn-out agony for the whole world.

- The abrupt end that everybody expected would've been better.

- Most things happen unexpectedly, even the apocalypse.

(thunder booming) - Oh, I have faith in Benson the mathematician, but in Benson the canon-maker?

- Don't be disturbed by the welcome you get.

The old man hates polite chatter and has no sense of hospitality.

(light orchestral music) - Excuse me, but have you two made up?

- We haven't had time, or the opportunity.

- There's only one thing out of step with the times, Eve.

Love.

Please forgive me.

- Quite the contrary.

I'm grateful to you, Cathy.

- I'm afraid, Eve.

Not of suffering myself, but I'm afraid for him, my husband.

- Coming?

(thunder crashing) - I'm very glad to meet you, Commander.

I've heard quite a lot about you, from Dr. Steele.

Your wife?

- Yes.

- Delighted.

Any kids?

- No.

But we will have some day.

- Good for you!

Take a chair.

(thunder booming) Mrs. Collins?

I think the moment has come for you to offer some of your delicious coffee.

(thunder crashing) Mrs. Collins is so good.

Psychic, you know.

And these are my kids.

My collaborators, I should say.

And this is Dr. Cornfield, yes.

The eldest.

The dean, I mean.

Have a cigar.

I don't mind if I do.

Ah, Gibson, what about some music?

- Professor, I'm very grateful to you for your courtesy, but-- - You don't like music?

- Not very much.

- Oh, but Commander!

Music is language!

The language of the bodies in space!

Have you never heard of Pythagoras, the harmony of the spheres, the language of numbers?

But of course.

You come from the same school as Dr. Steele.

- Professor!

- Enough!

I have found, you understand, a richer language than your rude, imperfect spoken tongue.

An order which sound will give, from afar, will make you, Cole, the most listened-to commander in the history of the human race!

Because we have deciphered for you the language of the outsider!

And you will speak to the discs up there.

You will give the order.

And they will destroy themselves.

And your weapons will be like these, and this, and that, and that!

- Isolators.

- Precisely.

The highest of frequencies, wave in six millimeters.

- Cornfield!

You're wonderful!

Gibson, Reynolds, Moran!

Music!

What are we waiting for?

(warbling) Listen!

Listen to this!

I will write the score and you will play it!

Watch this!

(mysterious ringing) (lasers warbling) - Now it's our turn.

Cornfield, Reynolds, Gibson, Moran!

Music!

(mysterious ringing) - No, not yet!

- Professor Benson, the military operation for destroying the outsider is ready to enter effect immediately.

- But I want to discover the whole truth.

It's passing close by to us.

I cannot agree to let you destroy it out of cowardice.

- [Man] Professor, there are only 72 hours left in the time limit you yourself set.

- But you cannot destroy it on me, now that I'm so close!

- Professor, you act as if it were your personal property.

- Science is nobody's personal property.

Very well, then.

You deserve what's coming to you.

- [Man] What do you mean?

- You have studied the planet's surface, but you have not torn open its bowels which spewed forth the discs that I destroyed.

That's where the truth is hidden, deep inside.

You will destroy an unopened tin can and that tin can will blow up in your hands.

- Do you really think there is someone inside?

- More than someone.

Gentlemen, I will give you a guarantee.

For the first time, the first time in my scientific life, I will come out of my den.

Prepared to pay with my person.

- Folks, let me be clear.

I'm just as confused as you about what's happening in this cinematic disaster.

There's something called the outsider headed to Earth.

It's a comet or an asteroid or something.

I don't know, don't care.

At any rate, old man Benson is convinced that it will miss the Earth by 95,000 miles and he's right.

- Because he used calculus.

- Sure, whatever.

But instead of passing the Earth, the outsider starts to orbit it instead.

- How did that happen?

- As near as I can tell, aliens are controlling the outsider.

Suddenly old man Benson is convinced the Earth only has 840 hours and, and-- - And what, boss?

- And you know what, nevermind.

I'm not wasting another breath recapping this film.

I want nothing more to do with it.

I surrender!

- What are you talking about, boss?

- I'll no longer continue with this film.

We can stop it right now as far as I'm concerned.

Show another "Radar Men".

Show anything.

Paint a while and watch it dry.

I'm going to close my eyes for the rest of this film and dream that I am watching Claude Rains in a good movie.

- Come on, boss.

You don't mean that.

- I absolutely mean it.

Claude Rains is an amazing actor and he wasted in this horrible trainwreck of a film.

Claude Rains had one of the best lines in "Casablanca".

Have you ever heard anyone say, "Round up the usual suspects"?

Claude Rains said that line!

And in "Casablanca" when Bogart says, "Louis, I think this is the beginning "of a beautiful friendship," he was talking to Claude Rains!

And this film has permanently tarnished that legacy!

- Now just calm down, boss.

We can watch "Casablanca" later.

- Honestly, for the sake of Claude Rains' good name, I can't in good conscience, calm down.

Let's just roll it.

Let's just get to the conclusion of this awful awful film and see if we can pick up the shattered pieces of our broken souls.

(intense orchestral music) (warbling) - Engines off!

Release static supports!

- Professor, how do you feel?

- Like I never felt before, my dear.

- The radioactivity percentage is very high.

The ambience of spacesuits won't protect us for very long.

- Long enough.

- Remember, Professor, that you must obey my orders.

- Aye, aye, sir.

- We have just three hours.

Then the outsider will be destroyed.

- What a pity.

My watch is always slow.

- You should wear both of them.

- One is even more than enough.

- Your glasses, Professor.

- To see the truth?

(warbling) - Electromagnetic field at wide strength.

- Radioactivity percentage in relative increase.

- Turn back, Professor.

It's a vast desert.

We'll have to search for months to find the identified entrance.

If there is one.

- Oh, shut up.

I know the way.

- You're exaggerating your merits, Professor.

- The signal.

I'm being guided by the signal.

Follow me!

The discs took off from here.

- That's all there is.

Let's go back.

(brooding instrumental music) - There they are.

Dead creatures.

You needn't be afraid of them.

They tried, in vain, to escape from a world dying in agony.

Up in one of the higher galaxies.

They have been traveling for millions of light-years.

This planet, that was intended as their Noah's Ark, has become their tomb.

- What killed them?

- Time.

Perhaps they hoped that their future generations would land on a living world, if only a blind one like ours.

Perhaps the secret of their death is locked inside here.

Radioactivity must have destroyed them.

- [Man] Benson Expedition, this is X-Ray 15, over.

- X-Ray 15, this is Benson Expedition, go ahead.

- [Man] Return immediately.

Return immediately.

- Wilco.

Prepare to return.

- Not yet!

Don't you understand, you crazy fools that their plans to survive their death only set them down on the Earth uselessly?

Those plans are condensed in something here which we must find.

Then we shall be able to penetrate the secret of their immortal formulas.

- [Man] Destruction plan ready for activation.

- No!

- Professor!

Turn back, I beg you!

- [Man] Orders from High Command.

Return immediately.

- Eve!

Eve!

- Boyd, I'll join you later.

I can't leave 'em here.

That's an order, get back to the ship.

Cathy!

- Professor Benson!

Professor!

- Eve!

Eve!

- Cathy!

Cathy!

- Professor Benson!

Turn back!

Professor Benson, please-- - Eve, Eve, we must get out of here!

- Professor Benson, where are you?

(eerie ambient music) - Here it is.

The electronic brain is here!

The truth!

I'm nearing it.

I'm getting closer.

- Benson!

This truth of yours will cost you your life.

- And what importance does life have, young fella, if to live means not to know?

- We don't want to know, Benson.

We want to live!

(laughing) - Watch out, Eve!

The outsider is defending itself.

(loud rumbling) (screaming) - Stop the plan, General!

Stop the plan!

- Unthinkable!

Take off, I tell you.

The plan's about to go into action.

- Cowards.

We're cowards.

Shouldn't have left them there alone.

Especially me.

Boyd to Commander Cole.

Boyd to Commander Cole.

In the name of God, Commander, answer me!

- We've gone around in a circle.

Let's get out of here!

- Fred, we're at the end of the cave.

We've reached it!

No, Cathy!

No!

- Bob!

Bob!

- We won't leave, Commander, if you don't come back.

- I can't make it.

Save yourself.

Go, Bob, go!

- Never, Cathy, never!

- My son Lewis and two other men are coming to get you.

Answer!

- Why this?

Try to repay you.

Just try to save yourselves.

Eve, I beg you!

- Within 50 seconds, the plan will go into action.

I cannot stop it.

You're committing suicide.

- The rescue squad is about to pick up the missing party.

Just a few more seconds, General!

(pounding) - Launch missiles and special warheads.

That's an order!

- Minus 10.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

- Contact.

(missile whooshing) - I have the formula.

I know the truth.

Now I can order the outsider to go away.

Stop your useless missiles!

- Engines!

- Hold on.

Hold on, dearest.

You can't die.

You can't die!

Cathy!

Cathy!

Cathy!

- High Command, this is X-Ray 15, over.

High Command, this is X-Ray 15.

We're approaching safety distance.

- Goodbye, Professor.

- Now you won't know.

You'll never know now.

(loud explosion booming) - Poor Benson.

If they opened up his chest, they'd find a formula, where his heart should've been.

(soft orchestral music) (light orchestral music) ♪ Outsider ♪ The outsider ♪ Is calling ♪ For me - Finally, this nightmare is over.

Let us never speak of it again.

- Boss, I gotta make that apology.

I'm sorry I brought this tonight.

I'm sorry I reminded you of Claude Rains' biggest mistake.

- I suppose it's not your fault, El Sapo.

Claude decided to take the film.

He could've walked away.

Sometimes we all regret jobs that we take.

I mean, I haven't, but I imagine most people have and we shouldn't insult someone just for taking a job to earn money to put bread on the table.

While I hate this film, and everyone associated with it, except for Claude Rains, I will let it go.

It will be hard, but I'm gonna let it go.

- I still feel responsible for this, boss.

Would it make you feel better if I took this here stick and beat myself over the head with it a few times?

- Normally, Sapo, I'd say yes, but let's just get past all of this.

What do we have on tap for next week?

- We have this, boss.

(ominous orchestral music) - [Announcer] Science has learned that all people possess mental powers which pass the boundaries of the natural.

This is the story of a man confronted by such strange forces within himself.

At this moment, he is looking at a thing of evil, a thing that takes possession of the mind and compels it to kill.

- I destroyed them.

Something in me killed them.

- Seven pins went in, and the seven people died.

Not one, seven.

Who put in those pins?

You did, all seven.

Maps and pins can't kill alone.

The power of a human brain has to be behind.

- [Announcer] A terror spawned in the hellish unknown, seeking warm living flesh to drag down into the bowels of the earth.

(suspenseful orchestral music) - I give up!

Until next time, may all your dreams be nightmares.

- So, that trailer's not too bad, huh?

- Sapo, can I see that stick for a minute?

- Sure, sure.

(upbeat rock music) (thunder crashing)