♪ >> Welcome to Canada Files .

I'm Valerie Pringle.

My guest today is Clara Hughes.

Who is an Olympian, humanitarian and a motivator.

She's the only person ever to win multiple medals in both Summer and Winter Games.

She won six medals in cycling and speed skating.

She is also a powerful advocate for mental health.

And very open about overcoming her difficult childhood.

And her struggle with depression.

Her memoir is called "Open Heart, Open Mind".

She has touched and inspired so many hearts and minds.

>> Clara, hello.

>> Hello.

>> You have described yourself as a kid as an Olympic delinquent.

Really drinking, drugs at age 12.

Passing out.

Stopping going to school.

It was a scary path you were on.

What happened to you?

>> Valerie, I would call it a path of destruction.

It was being a young person coming from the family environment that I came from.

Which was quite dysfunctional.

And not knowing how to make sense of that.

I'm 50 years old now.

So looking back, this is a time when early childhood trauma, mental health, addiction... all of these things were not a part of conversation.

I don't think we knew how to make sense of that.

So as a young person, making sense of that was finding a place that I fit in---coming from Winnipeg.

My big sister got into all sorts of trouble and I really followed in her footsteps.

That was where I felt I had a place.

I felt like I belonged and had a voice.

Where I didn't feel those things in my family environment.

So yes, I was all of those things but it felt quite natural to me.

The part of town I grew up in.

It was what all my friends did!

It was really a natural place to be.

In that state of delinquency.

I don't know.

If there was a podium for it, I'd probably would have had a gold medal around my neck.

>> This story kills me.

You're on a couch.

You're 16 years old.

You're probably smoking and drinking at the same time.

You're watching a Canadian Olympian at the Calgary Olympics in speed skating, Gaétan Boucher.

>> Defending Olympic champion.

When I was in my mom's living room February 1988, and the Olympics came on, I was basically bored.

Speed skating came on the screen and I just started watching!

I was like, how come I've never seen this before?

The beautiful motion of speed skating.

These incredibly good-looking men from around the world wearing head-to-toe Lycra.

That was nice as well.

But it was just Gaétan.

It was really this champion.

Who the commentators said had no chance.

He was washed-up at 27 years old.

Injured.

Sick.

Gaétan stood on the line and he had that fire in his eyes.

And he tried to win!

For me as a young person, I'd never witnessed someone giving themselves to something positive and legal.

It just captivated me.

I would say he planted a seed.

His action planted a seed inside of me.

That gave me the hope.

And I had the audacity to believe that one day I could be that too.

>> It's so astonishing that that moment changed your life.

That you could see all this.

>> But you know, that's something, Valerie, that I never forgot in all of where my life went.

All the Olympics I competed in.

Whether I finished in second-last or first place, I always remembered there could be some kid at home who's so confused, lost and disillusioned watching what I do.

It's not the result.

It's how you do what you do.

How you try.

The effort you put in.

And I never ever forgot that.

>>So you said you want to skate, to your mom--speed skating And she went, "Okay".

>>My mom, as many moms do, find the way for your kids.

She called a club and I had a pair of rental skates.

I was pretty cocky.

I said, I'm going to show these speed skaters how to skate.

I was a good skater at ringette.

Everyone always said, "You're such a good skater, too bad you can't handle the ring very well, or the puck in hockey."

I went and I was like, okay, I'll show them.

I was surrounded by athletes all of a sudden.

Athletes whizzing around the short track.

I was gripping the boards, ankles burning.

Because I had these crappy skates.

It wasn't this feeling of what have I done, I don't belong.

I said one day I'll be that good.

It transformed me.

Because I was suddenly connected to people-- eating, sleeping, training, disciplined.

Focussed on their goals.

That had the effect on me that I emulated that.

Instead of emulating the delinquent path I was on.

I wanted to become that.

It got me back in school.

I quit smoking.

I got off drinking and drugs.

It really transformed me into an athlete.

I was really really good.

Successful.

But the problem was, I was still the same person inside.

>> We'll get to that.

You started off skating.

Did really well.

Switched to cycling.

Oh my gawd.

Got Olympic medals in cycling.

The most grueling, almost brutal sport.

You think of the hit by a car, fell, cracked, cut.

Cycling!

>> It's a vicious sport.

It's a beautiful sport as well.

You see the Tour do France.

It's this controlled chaos in the peloton.

I loved the tactical side of biking, the team element.

I was racing professionally on American teams.

All around the world with the national team.

I really enjoying the gruelling endurance that it took.

And the fact that it wasn't the strongest person that won.

You had to be smart, efficient and brave.

>> Two medals you won in cycling to start with, at Atlanta.

Which was phenomenal early on in your career.

What did that achievement feel like?

>> When I was there, it was brilliant.

It was everything I'd worked and hoped for.

They were two bronze medals.

They weren't gold medals.

But they were as good as gold for me.

In that sports, a Canadian woman had never won an Olympic medal.

And hasn't since in road cycling in the road race or time trial.

I felt in some ways, it was blazing a trail.

And a path for others.

At the same time, it wasn't just wanting to be successful and having worked hard.

It was something I desperately needed that wasn't necessarily healthy.

I still had so many things I felt were out of control in my life.

That going home and spending time with my dad who had a lot of issues with addiction.

Going home to a very broken family environment.

That would come together and pretend to not be broken.

Not knowing how to make sense of that.

My sister had a lot of struggles.

Feeling really responsible for everything.

I can say this, after decades of therapy now, and thousands of dollars, it was the guilt of the 4-year old not being able to fix the family.

I didn't know what that was, when I was in my 20s.

So I would go home and feel like I failed.

Those Olympic medals that I won, I somehow believed that this was going to make everything okay.

For some people, it's the sport car, big house.

The big paycheck.

I don't know.

It's something tangible.

Something that is not real.

It doesn't have any hope or chance of fixing a whole emotional, spiritual, family, personal environment.

So I kinda believed these were going to fix everything.

When I went home and everything was the same, it definitely sent me spiralling.

Back into addiction and into the first mental health crisis of my lifetime.

Because it didn't work and I needed it to work.

It was devastating.

So literally, I went from being on top of the world, feeling like I can do anything, to feeling I was 6 feet under and couldn't get out of bed.

Slept all day and didn't want to show myself.

Put on a lot of weight and felt like I was a failure.

Because I was no longer this fit athlete, ready to perform.

In fact, I didn't want to be there anymore.

>> How long did it take you to get a proper diagnosis?

To understand.

>> This is 1996/97-- what was a diagnosis at that time?

What was the conversation of mental health and addiction at that time-- it just wasn't happening.

So for me, it was getting help from family doctors, from the national team doctors.

Saying this is what I see in you.

You may not understand it but this is what it is.

Getting a clear definition and basically, it being explained to me what a mood disorder is.

What addiction is.

That there are many people that struggle with this.

I just thought I'm eating too much so that's why I'm not lean.

I need to stop eating so I had a cycle of disordered eating.

That went along with all of this.

It was all about control.

Controlling everything so I didn't have to feel anything.

But the problem was I couldn't not feel.

Because these emotions overwhelmed me.

I just didn't know what to do with them.

>> Talk to me about pain.

You talk about your physical pain was a distraction from the emotional pain which you referred to.

It was also a huge advantage you had.

I remember somebody writing to you before one of your most important races saying, "You can take the pain and your competitors know that."

You seem to have a tolerance for pain in endurance sports that's extraordinary!

>> Yes I do, Valerie.

However when I look back and look at young athletes, and I hear them spoken about in those terms, I say, "But why?"

But why do I take that pain.

>> So this is not a compliment.

>> It is but I don't think it's coming from a healthy place.

That's why there are many athletes who have deep levels of early childhood trauma that's unresolved.

That leads them to be these incredibly disciplined people.

Who can take so much pain.

And it's a way of coping.

I was that kid who had all of those issues with addiction.

Who probably would have ended up being in the same mental health condition that I was.

But I ended up being an athlete with all of these issues with addiction but my addiction was channelled into a place that was accepted by society.

That was trying to win Olympic medals.

Over training, disordered eating, discipline.

All of these things never being enough.

All of these very negative vortex of voices in my own head that lead me to Olympic medals.

But is that a good place for a human being?

>> Did anyone try and stop you then.

Do you wish others had stopped you?

Coaches saying, "You go, girl!"

>> In my circle, no.

But there was one coach who saw me through this whole period of time and he ended up being the coach that convinced me to come back to bike racing.

He convinced me that there were many different ways to try to do the same thing-- of achieving excellence.

His name is Eric Van Den Eynde.

He's a hero to me.

He was the right person at the right time.

Because he encouraged me to take the first steps on the healing path.

To be curious about headling but moreimportantly as an athlete, he taught me how to listen to my body.

He taught me that a day off is okay.

It's okay to recover and rest, to not be able to train.

I had never been in an environment that allowed that, what I saw was weakness.

What he saw as being a responsible athlete and listening to your body.

And realizing a performance greater than just grinding yourself into the ground and then maybe not being able to compete.

>> So you are the only person to have won multiple medals in Winter and Summer Games.

That's an astonishing achievement!

How do you understand it?

I guess I tried really hard.

You think of what that means!

>> It's something that I look at and part of me goes, "Really?"

But also the other side of me looks at the privilege of what I've done.

I've had the privilege of having all these opportunities to try.

As a female in Canada but as a white heterosexual woman, I fit in.

I fit in the mold of what is expected.

So I look at it like how many people did not even have the chance to try to do this.

Because of the structure and systems in place that prevent everyone from having this opportunity.

Doing the work that I did for so many years with "Right to Play".

Travelling the world and seeing the impact of sport and play on children in all kinds of environments.

I look at that and say, wow the privilege of what I got to try to do is not lost on me.

Yes, I worked my butt off and I have a tremendous amount of physical ability and talent that came to me in my DNA.

And I got lucky along the way as well.

I'm fortunate to have shared a life for 27 years with a fantastic human being, my husband Peter Guzman.

Who has had a massive impact on my life!

Without him coming into my life in 1996, I would not gone on to do what I did.

So yeah, I've been lucky.

>> One of my favourite lines is you turning to Peter at the London Olympics in 2012.

When you went back to cycling, after you'd won all your skating and cycling medals and you didn't win in London.

Although you performed brilliantly having come back.

You said to him it's really hard to win a Olympic medal.

(laughter) Duh!

>> I finished 5th in those Olympics.

I'm really proud and grateful for it.

Because of what you just said-- I have earned 6 Olympic medals.

I've also finished in 2nd last place in the Olympics in 2000.

I'd had all of these different results.

But I almost thought it's easy to think that you just do everything right.

Even with a broken back I still did everything right.

Still thinking I can do this and pull this off.

When I didn't, it made me realize how hard it is.

It is almost impossible to get everything right enough to earn that medal.

It gave me the realization that I can kinda stomach this.

Because I have six of them.

I have all this hardware, all these souvenirs to share.

How lucky am I to have those things?

To have everything go right enough to have earned a place on those podiums.

So it was a really good reality check.

>> How hard was it to give up sports, finally?

>> Easy.

When I crossed the line in Vancouver in my last Olympic race in the 5,000 metres, I remember putting my skate guards on, walking to the infield.

There was still 10 - 12 skaters to go in that race.

I was sitting in first place.

I didn't know if I'd win a medal or win the Olympics again.

But it was the race of my life.

It was beautiful.

>> The perfect race.

>> The motion happened through me.

I couldn't go faster or slower.

When I finished and looked at my time, wow, that's fast!

That might be the winning time.

But I was...it just doesn't even matter.

They're just numbers.

This is what I dreamed of and I did it!

And I knew I was done.

I came back to cycling for one more time.

For the London Olympics.

Because I wanted to apply everything I'd learned in skating-- training with Xiuli Wang.

All of the knowledge and experience.

I wanted to apply it to bike racing.

To see if I could do it even better.

To see how good I could be with all of this.

When I finished the London Olympics, after I said to Peter, it's really hard to win an Olympic medal, I also said I'm done.

And he said I'm so relieved.

Because he was with me through every one of those races.

Except for Atlanta's.

We hadn't known each other then.

It felt right and good.

I always say to young athletes when they talk to me about retirement or stopping.

I call it quitting.

I just didn't show up any more.

I just say you will know.

You actually will know.

I had the great privilege of finishing both of my sports on my own terms.

Injury, illness or circumstance didn't stop me from continuing.

I choose to stop.

I think that makes it a lot easier too.

It just was not me anymore.

I didn't care enough and you really have to care at the deepest level of your humanity to pursue something that hard.

>> One of the greatest things you've done post-Olympics is being the best-known advocate for mental health in Canada.

Taking on a huge campaign.

You rode across the country, went to 200 communities.

To raise awareness and say to people, "You're not alone".

You took on a lot of pain and helped a lot of people.

Why did you do that?

>> I had this kind of epiphany after the Vancouver Olympics.

Where I won a bronze medal.

It wasn't gold.

People say I saw you win the gold medal.

People connected to that moment of...

I literally finished that race and I didn't care if I won.

Or I was in 13th place.

It was this energy of excellence.

Of giving yourself a joy-- of sharing this joy.

People connected to that.

People have always said, "I recognize you by your smile!"

"As soon as you smiled, I knew it was you."

I had all of these other things I'd kept so private and buried.

I'm still making sense... >> ...of your own illness.

>> Of myself, of my whole self.

My childhood, adolescence, my time in sport.

All of the experiences and struggles.

It was a lot easier to grasp onto and share the joys.

The human condition is made up of both.

It's the whole spectrum.

I realized I'd only shared a part of myself.

Why have I never talked about this?

That chance came with a sponsor of mine, Bell Canada.

Who has taken on mental health with Bell Let's Talk campaign.

I asked to be involved, not only for myself but for my sister, dad and mom.

For so many people that I'd seen struggle in silence!

It was an opportunity.

I was...can I be a part of this?

Because I think I have something to share.

I did not know it was going to be such a big thing.

I don't know if I'd have done it if I'd known it was so big.

In retrospect, that's a very intimidating thing.

But it also felt as natural as it did to try to be an Olympic champion.

It was something inside of me that I had to give.

And I felt that I had to give.

>> And your message is... >> Is that you are not alone.

As I have experienced on my healing path, from the very beginning to this day and beyond, being seen, heard and believed by somebody.

Somebody holding that space for you.

It can change your life.

It can save a life.

It can make the difference in a life.

Sharing my story has taught me the importance of that.

>> What do you see your role as now?

>> My role right now is just nothing!

>> What!

>> It's leading a quiet life.

Having the energy to connect with the people I'm with.

When I'm with them in that time and space.

And to be present.

It's not running around being all these things.

>> Being Clara.

>> Being on this trajectory.

Do this, then do that, then you have that!

I actually had a chance in my life in 2017 to put a pause on everything.

It was a very intentional pause, kinda how I quit sport-- both my sports.

I quit everything.

I resigned from every board I was on.

I no longer did public speaking.

I stopped doing any media.

I stopped everything because I felt like I was on this trajectory of becoming the person that I no longer knew who I was!

I had to stop it because nobody else was going to.

March 22, 2017, I stopped everything.

I started walking, for about 6 months of each year.

Hiking--the long Canada to Mexico, the reverse.

Then other trails--Arizona, Grand Enchantment, Great Divide, Vancouver Island.

By walking and having that quiet in my life for the first time, it helped me walk into who I am.

It was a way of slowing my life down to the pace a human being-- a very normal person.

Walking, listening to the sound of my feet.

Connecting to the land, desert, mountains, rivers, waters, sky, animals, trees, the environment I was in.

Then connecting with myself.

And to be present with the people I get to meet.

That's really important to me.

>> What does being Canadian mean to you?

>> Being Canadian means to me, as an athlete, it was respect, self-respect, respect for others.

Fair play.

This idea of travelling the globe with this beautiful maple leaf on my back.

Of being something bigger than myself.

A responsibility.

Being Canadian also means the other side of that responsibility.

Of realizing we have so much work to do.

To reckoning with this colonial space.

With the history that has yet to be really, not just taught.

But to be accepted.

We have a whole history that impacted, and continues to impact, in the most violent ways so many people-- Indigenous people.

So being Canadian to me, is understanding we have so much work to do.

My work starts with me and the people I encounter.

It starts with standing up for what I hear and see in a fair and just way for everyone.

>> Thank you.

>> Thank you, Valerie.

>> So lovely to see you.

Thank you for coming in.

>> You as well.

Always great to connect with another ginger.

(laughter) >> We'll be back next week with another episode of Canada Files .

♪