♪ One day the devil came to him ♪ ♪ For he was a minor demon ♪ Asked him to torture some humans ♪ ♪ With his two friends in tow ♪ Mittens and El Sapo ♪ The Baron Mondo Von Doren ♪ On "Nightmare Theatre" - No, Mittens, let me break it down again.
Back in the funk days, there were two camps.
One camp wanted you to get up and the other camp wanted you to get down and then, to be fair, there was sort of a splinter group, I guess you could call it, who thought you had to get up in order to get down.
I, myself, was into, oh, wait a minute, we're on.
Hello, my friends, and welcome once again to "Nightmare Theatre".
I am your host, the Baron Mondo Von Doren and with me, as always, is Mittens the Werewolf.
And we were discussing the politics of dancing as we wait for the sorriest man in show business himself, El Sapo de Tempesto to arrive with tonight's movie.
He should really be here any moment now.
- [El Sapo] Hey, guys, how's it goin' today?
I've had a day, I tell ya what!
- Mm, not that I care, but what happened to your arm?
- Well, you see, I was down at the grocery store, and let me tell you this, when that sign says 10 items or fewer, by golly, they mean it!
I got into a shovin' match with a cashier and, well, she won.
- So you got beat up by an old cashier?
- No, no, no, no, no, she was only about 17, but very mean for her age!
So while you were out getting slapped around by a teenage girl, were you perhaps able to find us a movie?
- I was not able to find a movie, but at one point she picked me up and tossed me clear down the canned food aisle, and I found this hidden in the potted meat section.
Now, as luck would have it, it's "Radar Men from the Moon" chapter two, wasn't that a piece of luck?
Can you show it while I get a movie?
There's one down a few levels.
- Well, there he goes, folks.
With any luck, he'll fall down the stairs and break his other arm.
Anyway, let's just get on with it.
Chapter two of "Radar Men From the Moon" entitled "Molten Terror".
I'm willing to bet the actual level of terror will not reach molten, but I guess we're watchin' this.
We have nothin' left to lose at this point but our collective dignity.
(dramatic orchestral music) (triumphant music) (grim orchestral music) (dramatic orchestral music) (blows thudding) (ray gunshot booming) (blows thudding) (ray gunshot booming) (blow thudding) (door creaking) (tense music) (jet pack warbling) (air whooshing) (dramatic music) (suspenseful string music) (door thudding) (machinery buzzing) - So Retik plans to invade the Earth with his army from the moon as soon as the saboteurs he already has there finish softening up our defenses.
- Do you think he'll be able to do it?
- I'm afraid he might.
I don't know how many men or rocket ships he has, but his atomic weapons are so far ahead of anything we have, he wouldn't need a very big army.
- What did you find out about the ray guns?
- Only that they use an element called lunarium instead of uranium as the base for their atomic reactions.
They apparently can control the reactions so they will work either as a disintegrating ray or as an explosion, like our atomic bomb.
- Well, if their weapons are that powerful, it would be impossible for our people to attack them here, even if we had rockets enough to transport an army.
- That's right.
Apparently they let us land because they weren't afraid of a single ship, but they would undoubtedly blast out an invading fleet.
- Then, hadn't we better go back right away and warn our people?
- Our orders were to find out if the attacks were coming from here and, if so, to try to figure out some way to stop them.
- And those are large orders, all we have is a light machine gun and some hand grenades, they wouldn't do much to that walled city.
- No, but there was one of their ray guns in Retik's laboratory.
If I could get hold of that, it would be easy to blast open their pressurized buildings and really put them out of business.
- All you've gotta do is get the gun.
- That may not be too tough.
We brought some nitrous oxide with us, didn't we?
- Mm, yes, there's a small tank of it.
- I'll find the air intake that leads to Retik's laboratory and turn the gas into it.
That oughta put them to sleep long enough to let me get away with the ray gun.
- If it's like the gun you found on Earth, it'll be too heavy to carry, let alone fly with.
- That's right, but the tripod isn't important, I'll dismantle the gun from the tripod.
I think I can handle a gun all right.
- Maybe you can, but it'll be quite a load.
I better get a helmet and go with you.
Hank and Joan can stay here and guard the ship.
- Okay, I may need some help at that.
(suspenseful music) You better not come any closer.
I'll fly on in and get the gun.
I'll manage to lug it back this far myself.
- [Ted] With the whole town chasing you?
- [Cody] I don't think they can get around outside very well, but we'll find out.
(jet pack warbling) (air whooshing) (exciting music) (tense music) (gas hissing) (jet pack warbling) (sluggish music) - Nesor, something's wrong with the ventilating system.
Get the oxygen!
(body thudding) (body thudding) (door creaking) (suspenseful music) (metal clicking) (dramatic music) (body thudding) (blow thudding) (blows thudding) (men grunting) (body thudding) (blows thudding) (men grunting) (blows thudding) (blows thudding) (Retik grunting) (blows thudding) (chair crashing) (blows thudding) (body thudding) (door creaking) Guards, guards!
The Earth man has escaped with a ray gun, send a car out to search for him!
(engine rumbling) (suspenseful music) - [Ted] You got it!
- [Cody] Yeah, but it sure is heavy!
- [Ted] Is anybody after you?
- [Cody] Not yet.
Give me a hand with this, we've got to move fast!
(frantic suspenseful music) (engine rumbling) - [Driver] There they are, give them a blast!
(blast booming) - [Ted] What do we do now?
- [Cody] Let's try to keep going.
Maybe we can dodge around those rocks and lose them.
(engine rumbling) They're still after us!
(engine rumbling) That looks like a cave, let's get in there.
(engine rumbling) - [Driver] We can't follow them in there.
Set the ray gun at constant heat.
We'll melt the cliff and bury them alive!
- [Assistant] Right.
(dramatic ominous music) (molten rock sloshing) - [Ted] What's that?
- [Cody] They've turned the ray gun onto the side of the cave and it's melting the rock!
Let's get back as far as we can!
Nevermind the gun!
(frantic dramatic music) (molten rock roaring) - [Driver] That will finish them.
(molten rock roaring) (grand orchestral music) - Welcome back!
That was certainly exciting, wasn't it?
"Radar Men from the Moon", yep.
Now, I wonder what's keeping El Sapo.
Face it, he's not much of an employee with two arms so with just one good wing I shudder to think, but he should be here any day now with our movie.
- Hey, boss.
Howdy partners and buckaroos, it's your dusty ol' pal El Sapo here!
Yeehaw and ride 'em cowpokes!
- What are you doing?
- See, I'm the rootinest, tootinest, highfalutinest, gun-shootinest, bathroom-pollutinest muleskinner to ever sashay into down on the winds of a tumbleweed!
- Look, I'm gonna ask you one more time.
What has gotten into you?
- [El Sapo] Now, don't get all riled up there, city slicker.
Tell me, do you like westerns?
- Oh, come on, sure you do, sidewinder!
The open prairie, the horses, the gunfights, the cowboys, the saloons, (spitting) the spittoons!
- Nope, I don't like any of those things.
You know me well enough to know that I don't even like the outdoors.
- But, what if you could combine the type of movies you like with a western?
- Sapo, you know scientists have worked on this idea for many years and it's just not possible, it can't be done.
- Sure it can, boss, and it has, if this film can is to be believed.
Look what I found, sheriff!
- I'm not a sheriff and you're not helping your case right now.
Sweet Texas tornadoes, "Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter"?
You have really gone out of your way to bring us something truly awful today.
This is neither a good western nor a monster movie, this is simply an unwatchable mess.
- Come on, it's got Jesse James, Frankenstein's daughter!
It's got horses, gunfights!
I bet there's probably even a white guy pretending to be a Native American in it somewhere!
- You know what it doesn't have, El Sapo?
A plot or good actors.
It's a terrible movie!
I wouldn't inflict this on my worst enemy on my worst day!
- [El Sapo] Oh, come on, boss, it can't be that bad!
- Indeed it is.
It was shabbily directed by William Beaudine.
Unbelievably, he has more than 300 directing credits under his belt.
And believe me, someone should've taken a belt to him and stopped him from making this cow patty.
- [El Sapo] Well, what else did he direct, boss?
- Well, over the course of his "career", and I'm not sure that's an appropriate term here but it'll have to do, he directed lots of Disney TV shows like "The Adventures of Spin and Marty" and "The Magical World of Disney" and other stuff like episodes of "The Adventures of Rin Tin Tin", "Lassie".
I mean, he seemed to specialize in dog-related shows, I guess.
He also directed "Criswell Predicts", which you know firsthand is not a good thing.
- That's true, I mean, any three fools can get something on TV.
But did he direct any movies?
- Oh yes, many.
"Ghost on the Loose" in 1943, "Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla" in 1952, "Billy the Kid Versus Dracula" in 1966, and this one.
Say, didn't you just have a cast on your foot or your arm in a sling or something like that?
I really, I mean, I really wasn't paying attention but-- - I did have a busted arm, boss, thank you for noticing, but I healed myself with my mind!
- Your what?
- Yes, my mind.
See, I found me a book on self-help and self-healing.
It's amazing what you can do if you just set your mind to it and believe!
Why, did you know-- Why, did you know-- - Hey, Benny Hinn, I'm sure it's a wonderful story, but can we get back with the movie?
Folks, sit back, relax as we present "Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter" here on "Nightmare Theatre"!
(static droning) (grim dramatic music) (thunder crashing) (Manuel speaking foreign language) (Manuel speaking foreign language) (thunder crashing) - Has everyone gone?
- Yes, we are the only ones left.
Has Juanita returned from the house?
She said she would not come back until she saw Francisco and brought him back to us.
- That cursed house!
It's some (speaking in foreign language).
Everything since those two came here, there's been nothing but death and sorrow!
- Our Francisco, how is he?
- I don't know, Mama, they would not let me see him.
- But why?
- They say he has the sickness.
(Nina speaking in foreign language) - Why?
Why must we lose our sons and brothers to them?
- Perhaps it is God's will?
- God's will.
Was it God's will that I seeing Raul die?
And that other boy, Jose Alvarez?
No, I say no!
It's because of them!
- You speak in anger, Juanita.
The children became ill. El patron and his sister, both great doctors, could not save them.
- They became will only after they went to work in that awful place!
And why were they buried at night?
So we could not see them!
To give them a Christian burial!
- You know why.
They tell us the children die of some strange, contagious disease and have to be buried at once.
- What shall we do now?
- We cannot go without Francisco.
We must wait and pray.
I don't know what else to do.
(thunder crashing) (grim tense music) - Another wonderful storm!
I congratulate you, dear brother, you were correct in choosing this wild land.
- It was not I, it was Professor von Metzler who said he thought in this part of America you'll find the electric storms you need for your experiments.
- Modest Rudolph, you never do take any credit for what you do.
- I want no credit for these terrible things we are doing here, Maria!
All I want is to go back to Vienna.
- Mm, Vienna.
We would not see an electrical storm there in months.
But here the very gods conspire to give them to us all the time!
Well, we go to work.
(thunder crashing) (wind howling) In a moment we shall know if we have succeeded.
(console clicking) (electricity buzzing) (thunder crashing) (somber suspenseful music) Quick, prepare the injection of digitalis.
Hurry up with the digitalis!
You took long enough.
One would think you do not want him to live.
(dramatic music) He's dead.
What a fool I've been!
I've allowed the duo-thermic impulsator to be attached only to the body!
Let's see what Grandfather's notation says.
The duo-thermic impulsator must also be attached to a living brain to transmit living vibrations to the artificial brain.
- But such a powerful electric impulse might prove fatal to the brain of a living person.
- That chance I am willing to take!
It's because we've been forced to use the brains of children that we've failed.
What we need is a man, a powerful man, a giant!
Then we shall succeed.
- But, but what good will it do to succeed?
- Imagine, we'll have someone to do our bidding who can't be put to death.
Just as we have given it life, only we can take its life away.
- Maria, we've already caused the deaths of three children and violated the graves of others just to make the experiments!
- My, you're a humanitarian.
You should've stayed in Europe and given pink pills to sweet old ladies.
This is the last artificial brain Grandfather Frankenstein made.
The secret of how to make these died with him.
If I fail in this last attempt, I, too, am willing to die.
- Is it so terrible to fail?
- You're a fool, Rudolph!
We hold the secret of life in our hands.
- Maria, Maria!
This is already cost Grandfather his life and Father has never-- - Father was a weakling!
He dared not try the experiments.
Only on paper!
You know, Rudolph, sometimes I think you remind me of father.
- What do you want to do next?
There's no one else left to experiment on, this boy was the last!
And his sister, Juanita, was here demanding to see him.
- What did you tell her?
- The same as the others, that that boy has a highly contagious disease and cannot be seen.
These peasants are ignorant and superstitious, we have nothing to fear from them.
- When the Lopez family finds out that Francisco is dead, they will leave like the others!
We'll be alone, all alone in this wilderness, in this...
I can't stand... - Everything is just right here.
The isolation, the electrical storms for the energy we need.
I know you want to leave, but you can't.
Where would you go, Vienna?
The police are looking for us there.
They did not understand our work any better than these peasants.
(thunder crashing) We are safer here than anywhere else.
(grim dramatic music) Now, now that I know what is wrong, somehow I will find the right man to withstand the shock of my experiment.
He must be big and strong, strong as a giant!
(crowd shouting) (energetic music) - Go and hit him!
- Give it to him!
- Get him!
- Come on, hit him, Stacey!
- Come on!
- This is the time, Stacey.
(blow thudding) (crowd groaning) Stacey, get up!
- Come on!
- Let him have it!
- Get up!
- Go on!
- Go ahead!
(blows thudding) (crowd groaning) - Come on Stacey!
- Get him!
- Hit him!
- Get up, Stacey.
- Yeah, get him!
- Go ahead!
- What're you doing?
(blow thudding) - Hank, you better win this, we're stone broke!
- What makes you think I'm losin', Jesse?
(crowd shouting) - Hey!
- Come on!
(blow thudding) (crowd groaning) - Well, that's that.
- Nobody's beaten Stacey since I bought this saloon and that's over 10 years ago.
- There's always a first time.
I'll take that bet money now.
- Not so fast, not so fast.
I could have the sheriff lock you two up for disturbing the peace, but I'll make you a deal.
Leave town and I won't press charges.
- You better pay up, mister.
- Why should I?
- Well, for one thing, I beat your man fair and square, I did!
For another thing, we need the money real bad!
And for another thing, the man you're holdin' out on is Jesse James.
- I heard that Jesse James was killed up at Northridge.
- There are a lotta folks who think that the James boys were wiped out.
Well, I'm Jesse, all right!
And there's only one way to prove it.
I'll take that bet money!
No hard feelings.
You see, we weren't all killed at Northridge, but we sure been on the run ever since, though.
That makes a man hungry!
Why, Hank and I haven't had anything to eat since, uh, when was the last time we ate, Hank?
- It's been one whole day, but it seems more like a month!
- Hank would've taken your man a lot easier if he'd had his full strength, now ain't that right, Hank?
How 'bout that steak now?
- Now that's an idea!
And we'll pay for it with your money.
- Hello, and welcome back!
We hope you're enjoying our feature tonight... Do you mind not doin' that?
I'm right in the middle of somethin' there.
- [El Sapo] He does sure seem to be scratchin' up a storm tonight, worse than that time I fell into the rutabaga patch!
- Do you think he's got fleas or something?
- I don't think so, the fleas generally prefer me.
- Well, he's got, oh dear lord, he's got the mange!
- The mange?
Is that bad?
- That's what took Lassie off the air in 1957.
Do we have any miracle salve?
It's the only thing that cures mange!
- I don't think so, I used the last of it on my crow's feet.
- Get him out of here, I've spent too much time on this beard just to get mange from a werewolf!
- [El Sapo] Okay, boy, let's, wait, wait a minute, I know what to do!
Wait right here.
- What're you up to?
- Healin' with the mind, boss, healin' with the mind.
I'll be right back!
- Oh, you better be.
Folks, let's get back to "Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter" here on "Nightmare Theatre".
Stay away from me, you mangy mutt!
(gentle tense music) - And I say you had no right to call in Jesse James and his boys!
This was our deal!
My deal, if you come right down to it.
This was that big killin' you've always been tellin' me about, you know, the one you've never been able to come up with!
And now you tell me we gotta split it with Jesse James.
(blow thudding) - If you weren't my brother I'd really work you over!
Do you think we can pull this deal ourselves, the two of us with Pete out there?
- Well, at least you could've talked it over with me first!
- I'm the leader of the Wild Bunch, I ain't talkin' nothin' over with nobody, and if you don't like it, get out!
- Just the same, my share is gonna be one third and you can cut up the rest between you and Jesse James any way you want to, but-- - Your share is going to be exactly what I say it is, no more, no less!
(grim suspenseful music) (Pete imitating bird call) That's Pete's signal!
(hoofbeats clopping) You must be Jesse James.
- [Jesse] Mm-hmm.
- [Butch] That Hank Tracy?
- And you'd be Butch Curry, head man of the Wild Bunch.
- That's right.
Come on in, Jesse.
This is Jesse James, this is my brother Lonny.
- Pete Ketchum, our lookout.
- Lonny, Pete.
- Well, this is the Bunch.
We got hit at St. Joe, Liberty, and Little Blue.
We lost 11 men in all.
- Can't hardly believe the famous Wild Bunch is down to three men!
- I don't think the James boys are doin' much better.
Frank James hidin' out in Kentucky as a preacher, and I hear the real Jesse James was shot to death.
- Everybody is tryin' to make me a corpse.
Well, I don't like it!
You tryin' to make me a liar?
(Lonny laughing) - No harm, no harm at all, it's just that there's a lotta fourflushers around here that's claimin' to be Jesse James.
(gunshot booming) - Now, we didn't come here for any trouble, we came here to do a little job with you boys!
I'm sorry Lonny, but you've just backed yourself into a corner!
- Take it easy, Jesse, he'll be all right when he sobers up.
Now, to tell you the truth, Jesse, I figured you'd have more men, I didn't know that you were down to Hank and yourself, but I still think we got enough to pull this, and I think you'll agree that it's worth it when I tell you what it is.
Have a seat.
Now on the way here, you passed through the Paseo del Norte.
Do you know it?
- Yeah, narrow cut about 30 miles out of Bisbee.
- We're gonna take the liberty of $100,000 there.
- (whistling) $100,000?
- I thought you'd like the idea.
- That's an awful lot of money, are you sure?
- Lonny spoke to a girl that works at the bank and when the bank gets fat to the tune of $100,000, they transfer it to Fort Buchanan, and later on it's sent back east by the Army supply train.
- That's an awful lot of money in one place at one time.
- And Jesse and me have looked down many a gun barrel for a lot less than that, eh, Jesse?
- Right, Hank.
Seems to me anybody shippin' that much money through a narrow pass would figure that's a natural place for a hold up.
- That's the way the bank figures it, too, and that's why they send a stagecoach onto the pass with passengers and no money as a decoy.
When the first stagecoach gets through, they signal a second stagecoach that all is clear.
That's the one we'll be waiting for, with the money and no passengers.
Simple and sweet, ain't it?
What's the matter, don't you like it?
- Eh, it's too simple, what's the hitch?
- No hitch.
The second coach has only a driver and a shotgun.
We'll hit him so fast they won't know what happened!
I'd still like it better if we had more men, but I think we got enough to do it.
Are you game?
You wanna try it?
- You know me, Jesse, whatever you say.
- What's the split?
- Well, there's five of us, we'll split it-- - Butch!
- We'll split it five ways.
- Well, I didn't ride 300 miles for my health.
(liquid sloshing) It's a deal!
- Marshal, I tell ya, I know that's Jesse James!
I made sure of that.
So you get Jesse and I get the $10,000 reward, dead or alive.
- How do I know you're not sending us right into a trap?
- Well, I'm ridin' right there with 'em, ain't I?
If I was lying to you, it'd be easy enough for you to pick me off.
Besides, I'm goin' straight.
- Well, I can't afford not to go along with you, but let me tell you one thing!
If you want to collect that reward, you better make sure you stay out of the line of fire.
- Marshal, I tell ya, I'm goin' straight!
Now all you gotta do is tell your men that I'm on your side.
Well, I guess I'd better be gettin' back to the boys, they might start to miss me.
We wouldn't want that to happen, would we, Marshal?
(Lonny laughing) Well, we got a deal.
(tense music) (hoofbeats clopping) (horses snorting) - Now, you men know what to do, but I don't want anybody getting trigger happy because one of 'em happens to be Jesse James.
Now, let's spread out and get up high.
You two men take this side.
Andy, we'll take this side and the horses.
(stagecoach rattling) - All right, let's go!
All right, Jesse, this is it.
Now, remember, after the first coach gets through, they fire two shots, that's the signal for the second coach to come on.
You got it?
You and Hank take that side, we'll take this side.
- [Jesse] What's the matter, Lonny, you seem nervous.
Somethin' botherin' you?
- Now just what are you drivin' at?
- All right, you two, knock it off, knock it off!
We're all a little edgy.
(suspenseful music) (hoofbeats clopping) (stagecoach rattling) Get ready, boys, the first coach is comin'.
- That's the first one.
(hoofbeats clopping) (wagon rattling) (gunshots booming) That's the signal!
- Here she comes now, Jesse.
(hoofbeats clopping) (stagecoach rattling) - Get ready, here she comes!
(dramatic orchestral music) (gunshots booming) - How 'bout it, Jesse?
You haven't got a chance!
- Let's get outta here!
- Jesse, look out!
(gunshot booming) (gunshot booming) (gunshot booming) (grim somber music) - Well, that's the end of the Wild Bunch.
- Ain't he one of them?
He tells me he's goin' straight.
- Sure I am, you saw me!
Didn't I try to help you get Jesse James?
Yeah, I guess you did at that.
Wanna thank you, men.
Now you better get back to your jobs and your homes.
- What about you?
- My job is goin' after those two, and I can't say I like it very much, either.
- I'm goin' with you, Marshal.
- You want that reward pretty bad, don't you, Lonny?
- Yeah, I want that 10,000, but I wanna see Jesse James' eyes lookin' right at me when I shoot him.
- I never figured you'd try to shoot Jesse James from the front, Lonny.
All right, let's get these two men in the stagecoach, get 'em back in town.
- You guys give me a hand.
(grim somber music) (horses snorting) - Whoa.
(Hank groaning) Now, just hold it here.
(Hank groaning) - I, I'll be all right, won't I, Jesse?
- Sure you will.
We'll rest here a while then we'll move on.
(hoofbeats clopping) (suspenseful music) (crickets chirping) (Manuel speaking in foreign language) - We, we have nothing, nothing!
- I don't mean you no harm.
(Manuel speaking in foreign language) (Jesse speaking in foreign language) (Manuel speaking in foreign language) - Oh, he speaks a little bit.
- Well, uh, my friend's sick, I wonder if you'd mind if we rest with you for a spell.
(Manuel speaking foreign language) - [Jesse] Gracias.
(all three speaking in foreign language) - He's been shot!
- Well, uh, he was cleaning his gun.
Here, let me help you.
(Hank groaning) Dip this into the hot water, it's right over there.
(Hank groaning) The bullet must come out.
- I know it.
- There's a doctor in Prescott.
- Well, we can't got into Prescott, we can't go into any town.
- I understand.
I knew what you were when you first came into camp.
Your friend is dying.
- The wound is very bad, very bad.
I will take him to the doctors.
- Do not worry, you will be safe.
- Thanks, thanks very much.
- That man is dying, I'm taking him back to the doctors at the mission.
- No, my child, you must not go back to them!
- But I have to!
I can't let him die.
- [Manuel] And if you go there, something terrible will happen to you!
- [Juanita] I'm not afraid.
- I say you are not to go back, I forbid it!
- But Papa-- - I forbid it!
- We must wait a while.
(grim suspenseful music) We can go now.
Can you walk?
- [Hank] Yeah.
- Hello, and welcome back!
Dang it, Mittens, you've got to stop that scratchin'.
Where the heck is El Sapo?
I still have the pound on speed dial, you know.
- [El Sapo] Here I am, boss, here I am, boss.
- What, what, what is all this junk?
- Well, I got to thinkin' about Mittens and the mange and it seems to me like the mange is a type of mental issue.
All I have to do is tap into Mittens' brain with my brain and I can cure his mange!
- Sapo, that is the single dumbest thing I've ever heard.
- Just hear me out, boss.
See, we both put on these helmets, just like in the movie.
The helmets are connected by a proprietary wireless network system.
- You know, this isn't gonna work.
- Oh, sure it will.
And then I upload the data to a Swedish satellite in geosynchronous orbit, bounce it off three proxy servers to avoid the American Medical Association and those bigwigs at the National Egg Advisory Board, and then I can access his brain and use my mental abilities to cure his mange.
- That is utter nonsense you cobbled together from movies and TV shows!
But you know what, MacGyver?
Knock yourself out, literally.
- Boss, there is no risk.
Well, if the polarity is somehow reversed, some experts say there are certain risks when it comes to the time and space continuum, but I'm pretty sure my polarity is screwed on straight!
Put this hat on Mittens for me.
Now I connect via my hat and I got my hat on, we're all good.
- I'm gonna stand back.
- Okay, and I flip this switch and we're in business.
But don't worry, boss, it's gonna be safe!
(switch clicking) (electricity zapping) - Oh, hi, guys.
- It looks like the polarity was reversed after all, boss, Mittens has been transformed back into his blabbermouth human form.
Now, I gotta admit, I did not see that comin', and I'm not sure about that facial hair, but I bet it's got somethin' to do with a parallax shift!
- Holy Colin Clive, El Sapo, what have you done?
- Oh, Colin Clive, great actor whose life was tragically cut short by chronic alcoholism.
Are you ears burning, El Sapo?
Although he appeared in 18 films, he's obviously best known as Henry Frankenstein in James Whale's version of the classic story by Mary Shelley.
In fact, there have been numerous adaptions of the classic story, oh, sorry, I didn't realize I was still wearing a hat indoors.
Funny, I don't recall putting that thing on.
I suppose I can chalk it up to time displacement, tempus fugit, I suppose perhaps, or one of the many martinis for little moi (chuckling).
Hats are interesting, are they not?
I suppose from the mundane white hat versus the black hat motifs of childhood to the more advanced...
Speaking of childhood, why do you have those guns, El Sapo?
Are you playing cowboys and Indians?
- Sapo, you've done it now!
Get back to the movie, we have a crisis here, get back to the movie now, just get back to the movie!
(suspenseful music) (birds chirping) - [Marshal] Hey, you.
- [Manuel] Senor?
- Senor, do you speak English?
- [Manuel] A little.
- We've been following two men.
One's a big man, he's been wounded.
Do you understand?
- Si, senor.
- Well, did you see them?
- [Manuel] No, senor.
(coins clicking) So you didn't see anybody, huh?
Take a look at these.
- Hm, could've been them.
I got a hunch they were here.
Well, folks say Jesse James steals from the rich and gives to the poor.
- You're lyin', you're lyin' to us!
They were here and you helped them get away!
I oughta kill you!
- Let him alone!
(hoofbeats clopping) - Juanita, she went away with them in the night!
We must go after her!
When Francisco die, I swore that I would go away and never come back, and I will not, not even for Juanita!
- Then I will go back without you.
- You would be lost in five minutes.
You will do what I say, as Juanita should have done!
(grim ominous music) (hoofbeats clopping) - How do you feel, senor?
(Hank groaning) I'll cook you some broth, if Jesse is lucky and brings us something to eat.
I'll bring you some water.
(Juanita screaming) (dramatic music) - Where's Juanita?
(Hank groaning) I told her to stay here.
(grim suspenseful music) Juanita?
(dramatic music) - Look out, Jesse!
(gunshot booming) (Jesse grunting) (body thudding) (Juanita sighing) Jesse!
(frantic dramatic music) (hoofbeats thundering) (Juanita sighing) You saved my life, Jesse.
(tense music) (hoofbeats clopping) Look there.
That is the place I told you about, there's where the doctors are.
This is our home, I wait here.
- You know how to use one of these?
- Don't be frightened, Juanita.
- I'm not.
Now that you're here, I'll be waiting for you.
(hoofbeats clopping) (knocking) - Who is it?
- We wanna see the doctor!
We wanna see the doctor, my friend is badly hurt.
- Who sent you to us?
- A girl by the name of Juanita.
She back here?
- Yes, come on, you're wastin' time!
- Just a minute!
(lock clicking) (grim music) Maria.
- What is it, Rudolph?
- Two men, they are looking for a doctor.
Perhaps it's the police.
- Police, here, hundreds of miles from nowhere?
You're a fool.
- The girl, Juanita, is back, she brought them here.
- And you're afraid of an ignorant girl.
(Maria sighing) I shall take care of it.
(lock clicking) Come in.
(Hank groaning) What happened?
- You're the doctor?
- Yes, my brother and I are both doctors.
- Well, he, uh, shot himself cleanin' his gun.
- We will be glad to help your friend, won't we, Rudolph?
- Maria, I believe that-- - Rudolph, the laboratory.
(Hank groaning) Take him in there, put him on the table.
- The man's story is obviously a false one.
- So much the better!
They must be running from the law, why else would they seek us out?
Heaven sent them to us.
- Please wait in the hall while we examine the patient.
- All right, I'd like to take care of the horses, anyway.
- If you put them in the lower stable, they will be well hidden there.
- I'll be right back.
(suspenseful music) (Hank groaning) - Jesse?
- Whom are you calling?
- Jesse James.
Don't let him leave me.
- Jesse James.
Rudolph, it's even better than I thought.
The one outside is Jesse James.
The whole countryside must be looking for these two.
Perfect, Rudolph, perfect!
I have plans for them both.
- This wound is bad, it's festering.
- It is nothing, he is strong as a giant.
What a brute he'll make!
(grim tense music) (hoofbeats clopping) (knocking) - Howdy, ma'am, I'm Marshal MacPhee.
We've been trailing two men, did they stop here?
- Two men?
- [Marshal] Yes, one of them was wounded.
- No, no, they're not here.
- Well, if you don't mind, I'll come in to look around.
(gentle suspenseful music) - I told you they weren't here.
- I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am.
- Your friend is very sick, Mr., Mr... - Howard.
- Ah, yes, Mr. Howard.
He has a very high temperature, but my brother is an excellent doctor.
- Won't you come to the library?
I want to talk to you.
(tense music) Please sit down, Mr. Howard.
Did Juanita tell you some terrible tales about us?
- Why do you say that?
- Well, what did she tell you?
We ran into the Lopez family and Juanita offered to bring us to a doctor.
- Nothing else?
- Should she have told us something else?
- No, I suppose not.
Perhaps you're wondering why we live in this old abandoned mission.
The answer is quite simple.
My brother and I came here from Europe, we are scientists perhaps ahead of our time.
Our experiments were not always understood or appreciated in our own country so we had to leave.
Finally, we came here.
Won't you join me?
- Why thanks, it's been a long time since we stopped to eat.
(knocking) (dramatic suspenseful music) (knocking) (knocking) (lock clicking) - Yes, gentlemen?
- Howdy, ma'am, I'm Marshal MacPhee.
We're trailing two outlaws.
- Ah, don't be frightened, they're not the type to hurt women.
Besides, one of 'em's badly hurt.
- And who are these outlaws?
- One's Jesse James, the other's Hank Tracy.
- Well, my brother and I have neither seen nor heard anyone today, but if we do, we shall send word to you.
- Thank you.
- Where will you be?
- I have a feeling that they're holing up in this area someplace, so I think we'll spend a few days in Shelby.
- Very well.
- Thank you.
- Just the marshal looking for some outlaws.
- Oh, uh, did he say who they were?
- No, Mr. Howard.
While my brother is backing care of your friend, I hope you will decide to stay here with us.
- Well, thanks, why, I'd like that!
- Now, if you'll excuse me, I will see if I can help my brother.
How is he?
- He lost a lot of blood.
- He looks all right to me.
I intend to use him in my next experiment.
- Maria, please stop these terrible experiments!
We'll have another death on our conscience.
- Don't be an imbecile!
If I turned him over to the marshal he'd be hanged anyway, so what has he got to lose?
Now go get that girl Juanita to help you.
Remember, he must stay alive!
- I think it's a mistake to bring her into this house.
- Let it be my mistake then, but get her here where I can keep an eye on her!
(metal clanging) - Oh, wonderful.
(thunder crashing) (energetic surf music) - So, Quick Draw McGraw was Quick Draw McGraw-- - Okay.
- Stay right there!
- But then he put on a mask-- - Don't you move!
- And a hat and he'd get a guitar hit people over the head and he'd go-- - If you so much as-- - Kabong!
- Kabong, like that.
- Yeah, it was hilarious.
- Whoa, whoa, hey!
- [El Sapo] Put down the glue gun, sheriff.
- Yeah, yeah, put it down there, pal.
- [El Sapo] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- (sighing) Well, welcome back.
We're once again down in the sub-sub-sub-sub-basement here at the television station-- - And you actually live here.
We need to talk about that.
Are we gettin' any, are we seein' any rent?
Getting a lease?
- Is there or-- - It's a sublet.
- It's a sublet!
- Oh, okay.
Well, so we're here with the Curator once again and he's brought us another prop from the Merrill Movie Museum.
So, just go ahead and take it away, tell us what you got here tonight.
- This is one of the oldest pieces that we have in the Merrill Movie Museum, actually, and despite being the Merrill Movie Museum, this is actually a TV piece.
This is from the 1970s "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" series with Gil Gerard and, uh-- - Erin Gray.
- Erin Gray.
- Felix Silla.
- Felix Silla.
So this was a pistol-- - Jack Goodman.
- By both Buck and by Wilma Deering in the course of the series.
And this is a laser pistol that you would see them, you know, shooting their enemies with.
- [El Sapo] Wow!
- One of the very cool things about this is despite being coming up on about 40 years old, it still lights up.
- [Baron] How is it powered?
- [Curator] It's just powered by a 9-volt battery.
- 9-volt battery.
So I'm assuming that must've been changed out at some point.
- [El Sapo] I would think so, I changed mine last week.
- But it's still on the same one it came to us with.
I actually was able to talk to Gil Gerard about this.
He visited the museum several months ago and he recognized this piece right off the bat, he was very excited to see it.
- Did he want it back?
- He didn't ask for it back but he did tell me some very interesting bits about this, about why they had this light up.
So, the lights on this were a cue to the editors of the episode to know where to actually physically paint in the laser blasts-- - Whoa!
- On the film, that's how they did the effects back then.
There was no computers, there was nothing they could generate, so when they saw that light they know, paint in a laser blast.
- Pew, pew, pew!
- And he would shoot the bad guys with the laser blast.
- Well, I'll be darned!
- So that's the only reason this even lights up to begin with is to be a cue to the editors.
- That's pretty amazing.
So you said this was used by multiple people on the show, so did they have many of these or do they think they just made a few?
- I would guess that if it was used by multiple characters, this was not, like, the signature weapon for anybody-- - Right, right.
- So they probably did not have a whole lot of these and passed them around, that's how they're able to identify, okay, yeah, that's the same one being used by multiple characters rather than something as distinctive as, say, Han Solo's blaster in "Star Wars" where you can tell, yeah, he's the only one that's got that.
- And, of course, the "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" was produced by Glen Larson who, of course, had done "Battlestar Galactica" before that so he was really into the sci-fi vein of things.
Always looking forward with his shows and his props and the technology depicted, a lot of people kinda say, you know, well, "Battlestar Galactica" came in 1978 right after "Star Wars" was a huge hit.
And that's kinda the way that things go in Hollywood is one thing is a hit and then other people start to come on 'round and do the same sort of thing.
But, I mean, science fiction has really been a part of Hollywood since its very inception, going back to, even film's inception, really, "A Trip to the Moon", all those films, the silent films that came out and we just evolved over the years.
You know, and Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon, two of those characters that have stuck around with us throughout the entire time.
I think Buck Rogers has had, what, the movie serials, the TV series, animated series-- - Comic strips.
- Comic strips.
- Goes back to really kind of the Golden Age of Science Fiction.
- Yeah, yeah.
- So that's a character that's been with us for some time.
- And same for Flash Gordon, you know.
Movie serials, television series, movies, everything.
So it's really interesting how these characters survive and thrive and continue to delight whole new generations of people.
And to see something like this that was actually used in the show is pretty cool.
- [El Sapo] Pretty amazing.
- And "Buck Rogers" was a show that had a lotta that stuff.
We talk about Twiki the Robot, they would build these elaborate robots and these other things that they would use in the show, so there was a lot of, it was very prop-heavy.
- Well, and Glen Larson was probably, the modern-day equivalent might be Greg Berlanti where he'd have multiple series all with kind of a science fiction bent to them and seemed to have the magic touch of getting things greenlit for a while there.
We do have another key piece from him from the show "The Highwayman", which was kinda short-lived, but starred Sam Jones, who played Flash Gordon in the 1980 film.
And it was about a truck that transformed into a helicopter-- - Ooh!
- Flown by Sam Jones.
So we have that actual model truck as well in the-- - Put it back.
Put it back, you're not takin' anything home with ya.
(Baron sighing) Anyway.
- So, yeah-- - Sorry about that.
- He's a very, no, we're, but Glen Larson is a very key figure in science fiction in the 70s and 80s.
- Yeah, and it's really amazing the craftsmanship that went into this.
You know, like you said, building in the light was pretty ingenious, too, so that they could actually cue the folks, because they would actually have to do that all by hand.
There was no computers, there was no CGI, any of that stuff at that time, it was all done by hand.
- For something like this to still be intact and working 40 years later is very rare.
- Well, why don't you folks get back to the movie here on "Nightmare Theatre".
(grim suspenseful music) - Well, good morning.
- [Hank] Morning.
- How do you feel this morning?
- Pretty good.
You've been awful good to me, Juanita.
Hardly anybody's been that good, 'cept maybe Jesse.
I can't thank you enough.
- I don't do this because I want thanks.
- Juanita, when I get well and Jesse and I leave, will you go with us?
- No, I must stay here.
Someday, when the Frankensteins leave, my people will come back.
- You must be wrong about them, Juanita.
Look how good they're treatin' me.
- Perhaps, but out there in the graveyard, I see my brother's grave.
No, my place is here.
- Then I'll stay here with you.
- Oh, no, you mustn't, I won't let you.
As soon as you get well, you must go!
- But Juanita-- - No!
- [Hank] Juanita!
(gentle guitar music) (crickets chirping) - Do you know what?
Today Hank asked me to come with you when you go.
(Jesse sighing) Don't you want me to go with you?
- It isn't that, Juanita, it's just... - Well?
- When I first met you, I told you, I'm Jesse James, I'm an outlaw!
- You are the outlaw, that I know, but you haven't told me, do you want me to go with you?
- [Jesse] There's your answer.
- That is all I wanted to know.
No, I can not leave this place.
I must not!
But I had to know that you wanted me.
(Jesse scoffing) - If that isn't just like a woman!
- Please, do not be angry with me.
You see, I must stay, just as you must go.
- Why must I go?
- Because I do not trust the Frankensteins!
They're wicked, they're terrible people!
They will destroy you.
They destroyed our village and some of our boys and they will destroy you and Hank.
Promise, on my brother's grave.
Someday, when things are different for you and me, you come back.
(door creaking) - It's kinda hot inside, I thought I'd come out for a smoke.
- Yes, it's nice out here.
- It's kinda nice country.
Why has everybody except Juanita gone away?
- We are scientists, we make experiments.
These people are ignorant, they do not understand and they're frightened, so they've run away.
- Seems like some of 'em didn't quite make it.
- Oh, yes, Francisco.
A sweet child.
He became ill but my brother and I could not save him.
He was weak, not like your friend, Hank.
Hank is improving.
- How soon do you think we'll be able to leave?
- I want to speak to you about that.
I want you to stay.
- I'm sorry, I made a promise that we'd leave as soon as Hank was well enough to travel.
- [Maria] A promise?
- To myself, you might say.
- It's lonesome out here, and very difficult for us.
We do not know how to cope with this wild country.
We need you, I need you.
I'm on the verge of a great experiment and I know I will succeed this time.
I will build an empire here.
(gentle romantic music) I want you to share in everything, my experiments, my life.
- How can I help you?
- Rudolph is weak.
I need you.
I need your strength.
- We leave as soon as Hank is well enough to travel.
(dramatic music) - I'm sorry I made a fool of myself.
Goodnight, Mr. Howard.
You're to find Jesse, Mr. Howard, and give him this envelope.
- What is it?
- You are to tell him it's a prescription for Hank, that he's taken a turn for the worse and that we need this prescription to be filled.
- But Hank is doing well and Juanita knows it and she sees Jesse all the time, especially at night.
- So you've been snooping around as usual!
Well, then you know.
To think that this outlaw with a price on his head refuse me for that girl!
And, yes, I've seen them together, too.
- So what are you gonna do, Maria?
Nothing foolish, I hope!
What is in this envelope?
- I tell you what.
It's a note to Jensen, the druggist in Shelby, telling him that the bearer is Jesse James, the outlaw with a price on his head!
- No, you mustn't, you mustn't!
- Mustn't I?
I would've turned him in before only... - Only you wanted him for yourself.
Oh, you're jealous!
You're human after all!
(Rudolph laughing) - How dare, dare you!
(Maria sighing) - So I have to ride into Shelby to get some medicine for Hank, he's taken a turn for the worst.
- What do you mean?
When I saw him this evening, he was fine.
Oh, they're sending you away to get rid of you!
- Now, why would they try and get rid of me?
Besides, if you're wrong, it could cost Hank his life.
Don't trust them, especially Maria!
Please, don't go!
- I'll be back.
- Hello, and welcome back, folks.
Things have definitely taken a turn for the worse, we are dealing with a red-level emergency.
- [El Sapo] This ain't good at all, boss.
- It's all your fault!
First you stick us with an awful film and then you bring Mr. Blabbermouth back!
This is unbearable!
- Oh, I know just how you feel.
But don't worry, I believe I have seen this particular film multiple times.
It's dreadfully droll, isn't it?
But charming at the same time in its own way, no?
You're screening the 1966 film "Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter", aren't you?
Interesting, the title is misleading in that Dr. Maria Frankenstein is actually the granddaughter of the titular character.
In fact, the lineage of the Frankenstein family is quite interesting and has spun numerous films.
- Yeah, wonderful observation.
El Sapo, you got us into this mess, now figure out how to get us out of this!
- Well, at least the mange is cured, he doesn't seem to be scratching!
- Why, my good man, I'd never scratch myself in public, scratching is beneath me!
Only the most uncouth of us would scratch himself in public.
See, QED, now let us return to our discussion of the film.
Have you discussed the interesting trivia associated with the film?
- No, and we don't intend to.
- We should probably start with the lab equipment.
It was provided by Ken Strickfaden.
The same pieces were used in several Universal films as well as in Mel Brook's delightful comedy, "Young Frankenstein".
Yet another film using a member of the Frankenstein family, by the way.
This is the one of the few times the equipment was filmed in color.
In fact-- - Sapo, we have got to get rid of this guy, now!
Send him back to the cornfield!
- (chuckling) Cornfield, oh what a great reference!
In fact, I've compiled a lengthy treatise on the role of corn and cornfields in films, both American and foreign, broken down, of course, by subheadings, such as black and white versus color, independent versus major studio releases, et cetera.
Would you like to hear it?
- Certainly not.
- I think this film seamlessly unites two great genres, the western and the horror.
Kind of like El Sapo in that outfit.
A cowboy wearing a mask, the mask both attracts and repels us because we wonder what horrors lie beneath the mask.
The guns take us back to a simpler, more rustic time, with the horror meets the western.
Although, I might argue this film is more sci-fi than horror, if I get enough Bordeaux wine in me.
But, then again, that would require us to fully adjudicate the term sci-fi.
Would this be called sci-fi, SF, or perhaps speculative fiction?
- I call it a steaming pile.
Sapo, do something!
- I'm stumped, boss, I got nothin' at all!
- Now, as usual, it looks like I'm gonna have to get us outta this.
You folks get back to the film, we have crisis to fix.
I mean, maybe you can find something to enjoy about this film, maybe the nice scenic shots of Arizona?
- Arizona was the 48th state in the union and it became a state on February 14th, 1912.
Several films have been set in Arizona, such as "Raising Arizona", "South of Heaven, West of Hell", "Little Miss Sunshine", and many, many more.
Arizona's film industry is quite active.
And-- - Get back to the film now!
(thunder crashing) (hoofbeats clopping) - What you're going to do is insane.
- We shall soon see which one of us is insane.
- Besides, we should postpone this transplantation until he recovers from his gun wound.
- He's recovered enough.
- Maria, this is not the same as experimenting on one of the village children.
Jesse James will kill us for what you are doing!
- Jesse James will be caught and hanged in Shelby.
Now get on with operation!
(suspenseful music) (thunder crashing) - Jesse!
- While you finish preparing, I shall activate the artificial brain.
(liquid fizzling) (brain thumping) The brain is ready.
- The patient is ready.
(brain thumping) (wind howling) (thunder crashing) (dog howling) That dog!
He always senses when we operate.
I told you to muzzle him.
- I forgot.
I am very upset, Maria, I haven't your nerves.
- Go silence him!
(dog barking) (dog howling) (dog barking) (door creaking) - Now at the next stroke of lightning, we shall have the answer.
(wind howling) - Don't do it, Maria, we are going too far.
No one should tamper with the laws of God.
(console clicking) (thunder crashing) (electricity buzzing) (machine whirring) - You are no longer Hank Tracy, you are Igor!
Do you understand?
Igor, that is how you will be known.
I am Maria Frankenstein.
As I think, you will think.
We are one!
I will command, you will obey!
I command you to arise!
I am Maria Frankenstein.
I created you!
I command you to get up!
Get up, Igor!
(electricity buzzing) (thunder crashing) (grim music) Get the digitalis, we must save him!
Let me have it.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Why not?
- Oh, we're wasting time!
(tense music) - So that's it!
(Rudolph grunting) Igor, save me!
Igor, save me!
Igor, save me!
Get him, Igor!
- Save me!
Maria, save me!
- You killed the others with this to keep me from succeeding with my experiments.
- [Rudolph] Maria!
(Rudolph choking) (dramatic music) (grim music) - You did well, Igor.
Come, I want Juanita.
- Yes, Juanita.
- Come, Igor!
(hoofbeats clopping) - She's gone, probably with him.
Well, good riddance to them both.
But I still have you, Igor.
- Welcome back.
Honestly, I'm not sure what's happening in the movie and, frankly, I don't care.
We've got a much bigger problem than a bad movie.
- Would you like me to recap the film thus far?
Nothing would please me more.
If you would like, I can offer some insights and criticisms of the outfits and weapons some of the cowboys are using.
If not, then I'd be happy to talk about the plants and wildlife shown in the film, the flora and fauna, if you will.
My, it would've been great to have lived back in the Old West.
I would've loved to have lived back then.
- [Baron] Hm.
- I know I tend to wander down intellectual valleys, pausing to refresh myself at the babbling brook of knowledge, but I have to admit, I would've enjoyed living in the Old West.
I'm sure I would've found gainful employment and undoubtedly universal adoration as a lecturer on the traveling medicine show.
I would've loved addressing townfolks in small mining towns, soldiers in army posts, even the occasional speech at a grungy saloon.
My insights would've brought joy to the otherwise mundane lives.
- I bet.
Well, you know, time travel is of an interest to me, too.
- Really, is it now?
I've always fancied myself as a Billy Pilgrim-type.
I'd love to be unstuck in time, you know?
Are you familiar with Vonnegut, H. G. Wells?
- I am, in fact, I dabble in some time travel myself.
Here at Von Doren Industries, we have perfected a type of virtual time travel.
- Have you?
- We have, would you like to try it?
- I'm no Rod Taylor, but I am game.
How does it work?
- Now, all you need to do is put this helmet back on, then we will adjust the dials on this oscillator for the time you want.
Now, what time would you like to virtually visit?
- You mean it's up to me?
Well, that is an interesting question.
Let me see, I could watch da Vinci paint the Mona Lisa, I could tell him what he got wrong in the painting and how to fix it.
- Oh, this is just virtual, trust me, you'd only be able to observe.
Think of it as something like Scrooge in "A Christmas Carol" when the first ghost took him to see his past.
He could watch but not affect.
Same for you, you'll be able to watch and catalog, but not affected or impact.
You've read Bradbury, I trust.
- Oh, I have, wonderful writer of amazing stories, simply sublime!
I take your point on Scrooge.
One of the most compelling aspects of the story is how Scrooge had to watch himself make all of those mistakes as he stands there, powerless.
We feel his pain as he watches Belle, his only happiness, leave his life thanks to his own greed and avarice.
Well, I suppose watching will have to do.
Maybe I could drop in on Shakespeare?
- Anywhere you like, the only limit is your imagination.
- So it's limitless.
- Okay, I have it, I'd like to virtually visit France in 1913.
I'd like to be there to see the publication of Proust's "In Search of Lost Time".
Have you read it?
- No, but I'll get right on it.
When you get back, we can discuss it.
- Oh, that sounds lovely.
I warn you, though, I have some obscure, revolutionary opinions on it.
- I am sure you do.
Okay, prepare yourself.
Sapo, change the cables around.
- [El Sapo] But, boss, if I do that, it'll just restore the-- - Change out the cables, Sapo!
Are you ready?
Next stop is the City of Lights!
Au revoir, little prince!
(electricity buzzing) - [El Sapo] Boss, what did you do?
- I took a chance, El Sapo.
I figured if the polarity was reversed when we started this crisis, then setting it right would bring Mittens back.
- [El Sapo] Great idea!
Looks like he still has the mange, though.
- Oh, you shave him.
I figured that windbag was so eager to say he'd virtually time traveled that he fell right into my trap.
I mean, I wasn't 100% sure the polarity reversal would work, but I figured worse case scenario his head might explode.
- That is good thinkin', boss.
You know, I never would've thought of that in a million years!
- Well, really, you wouldn't think to open an umbrella in a rainstorm.
Now let's get back to the thrilling conclusion, I guess, of "Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter".
- [El Sapo] I'm sure I can cure him, boss.
Mittens, put that hat back on!
- No, just let him scratch!
(grim suspenseful music) (bell ringing) - What do you want?
- I need medicine.
I'm sorry to bother you so early in the morning but I gotta have this medicine and get right back!
(envelope tearing) Something the matter?
- No, no, it's just that I haven't got the medicine handy.
If you'll sit down and wait.
- Will it take long?
- No, no.
Just sit there, I'll be right back with the medicine.
(Lonny laughing) - All right, let's go.
- Shouldn't we wait for Sheriff Buchanan and the marshal to get back?
- No, I don't think so, they're not gonna be back for hours.
You see, Jensen, someone gave 'em tip that they knew where Jesse James was hidin' out.
(Lonny laughing) The guy you saw, what'd he look like?
- Mm, medium tall, young, dark, looked like he'd been riding a long way.
I'll tell you something else, he looked plenty tough!
- Jensen, you see this?
This is made to take care of tough guys.
- I don't want to get mixed up in any gunplay, especially not in my store.
I'm a married man!
- You're gonna do exactly what I say and keep your mouth shut!
- I still say I won't mix up in any gunplay.
Jesse James, of all people!
- Now Jensen, you listen to me.
There's $10,000 reward for Jesse James.
I'm gonna collect it and you're gonna help me.
- What, what do you want me to do?
- Nothin', absolutely nothin'.
But I do want you to go back over there and make him up some kinda medicine, anything.
Just act like nothing happened.
And don't be so nervous, he's liable to catch on.
- What about you?
- Don't you worry about me, I'll be there.
And Jensen, I want you to listen to me, and remember this, if anything goes wrong, I'm gonna hold you personally responsible.
(suspenseful music) (door thudding) - How long is it gonna take?
- Oh, not very long.
I gotta measure this, you know?
(dramatic music) (gunshots booming) - I told you, Jensen, I'd get, ugh!
- Please, Jesse, don't shoot me, he-- - How did you know my name?
(tense dramatic music) (hoofbeats thundering) Hold it!
- I came to warn you.
You must not go back.
- What do you mean, is Hank all right?
- No, what they did to Hank, you can't believe it, it's terrible!
If you go back, they'll do the same thing to you!
- What're you talking about?
- Hank is not Hank anymore!
- I have to go back.
- If you do, I'll go to the marshal in Shelby for help.
I know what it means if I bring him back with me, but I'd rather see you dead than see you looking like Hank!
- I still have to go back to Hank!
Come on, come on!
(hoofbeats clopping) - I'm sorry, Jesse, I must do it, I love you too much not to!
(hoofbeats thundering) And that's the truth, Marshal!
Please, please believe me!
- Too bad you didn't tell me about this when I came to your house.
- Ah, I know, I know, I was wrong, God forgive me!
- (sighing) All right, let's go.
- Thank you, Marshal.
- That's enough, Igor.
Quick, Igor, into the house!
(hoofbeats clopping) (tense music) (knocking) Get in there, be quiet.
If I need you, I will call you.
(knocking) Who is it?
What do you want?
- It's Jesse James!
(door rattling) Open up!
(lock clicking) - I'm, I'm glad you're back!
- No thanks to you.
- Yes, yes I, I know what you're thinking.
But it was Rudolph, he forced me to write that note!
- I wanna see Hank right now.
- Well, Hank, Hank is not here.
He and Rudolph left together!
- I don't believe you!
- I swear it.
- All right, if you won't tell me where he is I'll find him!
- Why do you treat me like this when you know how I feel about you?
- All right, I'll shake the truth out of you!
- All right, then I'll choke it out of you!
Once and for all, what did you do to Hank?
I wanna know-- (blow thudding) (dramatic music) - Bring him in here.
(tense music) Put him on the table.
Go to your room.
Your room, Igor.
Save your strength, Jesse James, you will need it.
Yes, I knew who you were from the very first.
You see, we have something in common, we're both outside the law!
That's why I offered you a chance to join me, but you chose to refuse me.
You, an outlaw, refusing me, Maria Frankenstein, granddaughter of a count!
(Jesse grunting) I will use you in my next experiment.
You see, Jesse James, I have won after all.
(suspenseful music) (Jesse grunting) - Where's Hank?
What have you done with him?
- You will see Hank soon.
Sweet dreams, Jesse James.
Perhaps of Juanita.
(hoofbeats clopping) Now I've got work to do.
- Perhaps it's better if she doesn't see me.
(knocking) (knocking) - Who is it?
- Hello, Doctor, Marshal MacPhee.
- [Maria] I have nothing to say!
Go away, I'm in the midst of an important experiment.
- You wait just a minute, I wanna talk to you.
- About what?
- I been told you're harboring Jesse James and Hank Tracy!
- Who told you such a lie?
- Juanita Lopez.
(Maria laughing) - Juanita Lopez?
I'm surprised at you, Marshal, listening to an ignorant peasant!
- Well, just the same I intend to search this place.
- Well, uh, search all you care to, I'll show you around myself!
- Well, that's just exactly what I'm gonna do.
- Well, shall we start with my laboratory?
- Well, Jesse, finally caught up with you.
- What did you say?
(grim suspenseful music) (gunshot booming) (dramatic music) (Marshal grunting) (Marshal groaning) Take him in there!
(suspenseful music) - Jesse!
What have they done to you?
Come here, quick!
Get her, Igor!
(intense dramatic music) Juanita!
- [Juanita] Hank!
- Kill Juanita.
(Jesse groaning) - Juanita.
- No, please!
(Maria choking) (dramatic orchestral music) - Hank, it, it's me, Jesse, Hank.
- No, Hank, it's me, Jesse James, your friend!
Hank, don't make me kill you.
(Juanita screaming) - Hank!
(Jesse choking) (gunshots booming) (body thudding) Oh, Jesse, I thought he would kill you!
(sobbing) - Juanita.
- Oh, Jesse!
(sobbing) (somber music) (Juanita sighing) Our village is free once more, thanks to you, and Hank.
My people will come back here.
Jesse, I will be waiting for you here.
- No, Juanita, look, I am an outlaw with a rope waitin' for me!
- That's not what I want to hear.
(gentle guitar music) - I love you, Juanita.
(somber dramatic music) (Juanita speaking in foreign language) - Go with God.
(hoofbeats clopping) (triumphant music) - Well, hello and welcome back.
We hope you enjoyed that film as much as we enjoyed our time with Dr. Big Mouth.
- [El Sapo] I'm not sure what to make of this film, boss.
- I know what to make of it - a fire.
Now, what do we have on tap for next week?
- [El Sapo] We have this, boss!
(dramatic music) (wind howling) - [Woman] I was sent to keep you here until they come.
- To kill me?
- [Announcer] Vampires, alive among the lifeless that make the night hideous with their inhuman cravings, if they are not destroyed in the flaming pits of hellfire, or staked to the ground in the light of the sun.
(vampire screaming) Will the unbelievable become real?
A world of inanimate zombies by day, irresistible, horrifying attackers by night!
Can a zombie woman's hunger for love repopulate the Earth?
- [Zombie Woman] Let me in, let me in.
(suspenseful music) - [Woman] Robert!
- [Robert] Get away from her!
(dramatic music) - Oh man, that's gonna be unpleasant.
Anyway, until next time, may all your dreams be nightmares.
(thunder crashing) (energetic surf music)