Mark Russell's America

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THANK YOU!

[LAUGHTER] BACK IN THE 80'S RONALD REAGAN WAS IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND AT THE TIME THE REPUBLICANS WERE TELLING THIS JOKE ABOUT REAGAN STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND WITH MOAMMAR GADHAFI, THE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI AND NEWT GINGRICH.

[LAUGHTER] AND REAGAN ONLY HAD TWO BULLETS SO HE SHOT GINGRICH TWICE.

[LAUGHTER] (NARRATOR) MARK RUSSELL'S COMEDY SPECIALS HELPED US TO SEE THE HUMOR IN AMERICAN POLITICS.

FROM BEHIND HIS PIANO, HE CRAFTED MORE THAN 100 PBS SPECIALS WITH THE HELP OF A FEW WRITERS.

ALL MY LIFE PEOPLE ASKED ME IF I HAD WRITERS.

OF COURSE I HAVE WRITERS, I HAVE 535 WRITERS, 100 IN THE SENATE AND 435 IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.

[MUSIC] (NARRATOR) FOR THREE DECADES MARK RUSSELL SET THE STANDARD FOR POLITICAL SATIRE.

POLITICIANS LOVE FREEDOM OF THE PRESS IF YOU DON'T COUNT RADIO, TELEVISION, NEWSPAPERS AND THE INTERNET.

TEDDY KENNEDY DEFEATED A MAN NAMED MITT ROMNEY, MITT ROMNEY, AND THE MITT HIT THE FAN IN SPITE OF THE FACT... NOW HOW'S THAT FOR TIMING?

GINGRICH GOES TO CHINA TO BORROW MONEY THAT GORE IS RETURNING.

PEOPLE ASK ME, "ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT?

ARE YOU A REPUBLICAN?"

MY ANSWER IS, "YES."

PRESIDENT FORD IS A NICE GUY.

HE REMINDS ME OF THE GUY WHO ANSWERS THE MEAT BUZZER AT THE A&P.

JIMMY CARTER, JIMMY CARTER NOT ONLY SPOKE AT THE PODIUM, HE BUILT THE PODIUM.

REAGAN SAID THAT WHEN HIS TIME COMES HE WANTS TO BE CREMATED AND NOW THAT'S A SOBERING THOUGHT, A PILE OF ASHES AND A PUDDLE OF BRILL CREAM.

GEORGE BUSH HAS BEEN PRESIDENT NEARLY 100 DAYS.

IT WAS, KIND OF, A BUMPY TIME FOR THE GIBLET.

I CALL HIM THE GIBLET.

MAKE THE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE INTO AN OVAL SO HE COULDN'T CORNER AN INTERN.

I'VE TAKEN OUT ALL OF THE GEORGE W. BUSH JOKES AND THAT LEAVES US WITH A NICE, TIDY LITTLE FOUR AND A HALF MINUTE SHOW.

(NARRATOR) HIS PROGRAMS WERE ALWAYS AMONG THE MOST WATCHED ON PBS.

IT'S TIME TO CELEBRATE MARK RUSSELL'S AMERICA.

YOU WANT CIVILITY?

MOVE TO FINLAND, THIS IS AMERICA.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] [MUSIC] (NARRATOR) A NATIVE OF BUFFALO, NEW YORK, MARK RUSSELL MOVED TO WASHINGTON D. C. WHERE HE MADE A NAME FOR HIMSELFAS A POLITICAL SATIRIST.

IN AN ODD TWIST OF FATE IT WAS BUFFALO TELEVISION EXECUTIVES WHO CAUGHT MARK'S SHOW AND PITCHED THE IDEA TO PBS.

WE DID A PILOT IN BUFFALO TO SHOW ALL OF THE PBS STATIONS.

I REMEMBER THE DATE.

IT WAS SEPTEMBER 8, 1974.

IT WAS A SUNDAY AFTERNOON.

WE TAPED THE SHOW.

BEAUTIFUL DAY, NOTHING GOING ON IN THE NEWS.

OH, YEAH, THERE WAS ONE THING.

GERALD FORD PARDONED RICHARD NIXON, A GIANT EVENT.

I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.

THE AUDIENCE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS, YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I'VE WORKED DURING NORMALITY BEFORE.

[LAUGHTER] BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING THAT STRIKES TERROR INTO THE HEART OF A POLITICAL SATIRIST ANYMORE THAN THE THOUGHT OF AN HONEST ADMINISTRATION.

[LAUGHTER] (NARRATOR) TO BE PICKED UP BY PBS AS A SERIES, TWO MAJOR CHANGES NEEDED TO HAPPEN.

SO WE DECIDED WE HAD TO DO TWO THINGS; NUMBER ONE, THE SHOW HAD TO BE LIVE, NUMBER TWO, IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA IF I WATCHED THE NEWS BEFORE DOING THE SHOW.

[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT WAS "HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN" WHICH MEANS THE BAND KNOWS SOMETHING WE DON'T KNOW.

HO-HUM, ANOTHER SLOW NEWS DAY IN WASHINGTON.

[LAUGHTER] I SENT 'EM A NOTE.

I SAID, "THE NEXT TIME THE GOVERNMENT FALLS I WISH YOU'D MAKE IT A DAY EARLY SO I HAVE A CHANCE TO PREPARE."

[LAUGHTER] OKAY, IT WAS AN ELECTION YEAR IN 1976.

GERALD FORD IS PRESIDENT.

HE HAD BEEN NIXON'S VICE PRESIDENT WHO APPOINTED HIM PRESIDENT.

NIXON HAD TO RESIGN EARLIER BECAUSE OF THE WATERGATE SCANDAL BUT I SAID, "I MISS NIXON SO MUCH."

I HAD TO REMINISCE, I HAD TO BRING HIM BACK.

♪ MEMORIES, OF MY HAPPY WHITE HOUSE DAYS ♪ ♪ IN MY FIRST ADMINISTRATION OH, THE WAY WE WERE.

♪ ♪ PARIS PEACE TALKS, JULIE'S WEDDING, CHINESE TRIP, ♪ ♪ BACK HOME TO A GRATEFUL NATION OH, THE WAY WE WERE.

♪ ♪ HAPPY DAYS WITH ME AND BEBE ROBOZO ♪ ♪ HALDEMAN AND EHRLICHMAN.

♪ ♪ JERRY FORD BACK THEN WE CALLED HIM BOZO, ♪ ♪ OH, HE COULDN'T WALK NOR CHEW HIS GUM.

♪♪ [MUSIC] OKAY, 1976 FORD IS RUNNING TO BE ELECTED ON HIS OWN.

THERE WERE A LOT OF DEMOCRATS LINED UP TO RUN AGAINST HIM.

SO I THOUGHT I WOULD DO TONIGHT IS TAKE A LOOK AT THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES STARTING AT THE BOTTOM WORKING OUR WAY DOWN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] ONE OF THEM WAS AN OBSCURE PEANUT FARMER GOVERNOR OF GEORGIA, JIMMY CARTER.

JIMMY WHO?

WE DIDN'T KNOW AND WHAT HE SAID WHEN WE FIRST STARTED TO HEAR OF HIM HE SAYS, "I'LL NEVER LIE TO YOU," AND AMERICA SAID, "OH, GO AHEAD, WE'RE USED TO IT."

HE IS, IN FACT, A NUCLEAR PHYSICIST AND PEANUT FARMER.

[LAUGHTER] HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD GO ON WHAT'S MY LINE AND WIN, SEE.

SOME PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU THAT PRESIDENT FORD IS UNELECTABLE.

OTHERS WILL TELL YOU THAT THE DEMOCRATS WILL FIGURE OUT A WAY TO ELECT HIM.

GERALD FORD WAS A GOOD MAN, A DECENT MAN, HE WAS A GRACEFUL MAN.

HE HAD BEEN AN ATHLETE.

HOWEVER, IN THE RIGORS OF THE CAMPAIGNS HE TRIPPED A COUPLE OF TIMES.

WELL, THAT'S ALL THE COMEDIANS NEEDED.

HE SAID, "I KNOW I'M NOT A WASHINGTON NOR A LINCOLN."

WELL, THAT'S TRUE.

IF HE HAD BEEN OUR FIRST PRESIDENT THERE WOULD BE A FAMOUS PAINTING SOME PLACE CALLED WASHINGTON TRIPPING OVER THE DELAWARE.

♪ HEY, LOOK ME OVER, WHAT DO YOU SEE?

♪ ♪ A FORD A FUTURE AND NOT A MODEL T. ♪ ♪ BIND UP THE WOUNDS NOW, THAT IS MY PRAYER.

♪ ♪ WHAT I SEEK IS A VINO A WEEK AND A PARDON HERE AND THERE.

♪ ♪ YOU KNOW I WAS NOT ELECTED THIS YOU REALIZE, ♪ ♪ I WAS APPOINTED SO WHAT'S THE BIG SURPRISE ♪ ♪ AND DOING A FAVOR FOR A FRIEND ♪ ♪ WHO GAVE THE JOB TO ME, THAT'S JUST RECIPROCITY.

♪♪ [APPLAUSE] IF THE ELECTION WERE TO BE HELD TOMORROW HOW MANY IN HERE RIGHT NOW WOULD VOTE FOR GERALD FORD.

[APPLAUSE] EVERY ELECTION YEAR ON THE SHOW WE WOULD HAVE A POLL, THE BUFFALO POLL AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, EVERY RESULT OF EVERY POLL DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN THE NATION FOLLOWED SUIT.

THEY REALLY, WHATEVER WE SAID, THE NATION SAID.

NOW THOSE OF YOU WHO JUST APPLAUDED, HOW MANY OF YOU VOTED FOR HIM THE LAST TIME?

[LAUGHTER] PEOPLE FORGET THAT IN '76 RONALD REAGAN WAS COMPETING WITH FORD.

RONALD REAGAN RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN '76 BUT IT WAS TOO EARLY, IT WAS TOO SOON.

WE ONLY THOUGHT OF HIM AS, KIND OF, A HAS-BEEN ACTOR BUT HE WASN'T READY.

IF THE ELECTION WERE TO BE HELD TOMORROW HOW MANY IN HERE WOULD VOTE FOR RONALD REAGAN?

[CLAPPING] TESTING, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

(LAUGHTER) SPOILER ALERT, JERRY FORD WILL LOSE TO THE PEANUT FARMER.

JIMMY CARTER SEEMS VERY HEALTHY ALTHOUGH I WORRY ABOUT A MAN WHOSE TEETH LOOK LIKE CHICLETS.

[MUSIC] EVERY TIME WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT PEOPLE TELL ME, "OH, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A FIELD DAY."

I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?HE'S ONLY BEEN PRESIDENT 20 MINUTES."

AND THEY SAY, "WELL, YOU KNOW, PEANUT FARMER, COWBOY, WHATEVER," AND SO WHEN JIMMY CARTER FIRST CAME ALONG I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TO WORK WITH.

♪ LITTLE JIMMY CARTER HAS A WINNING STYLE, ♪ ♪ SANDY HAIR AND CRINKLY EYES ♪ ♪ AND A CLOSE UP TOOTHPASTE SMILE.

♪ ♪ DON'T KNOW WHERE HE CAME FROM, CAUSING ALL THE FUSS, ♪ ♪ SAYS HE'S NOT A LAWYER, SO WE'LL COUNT THAT AS A PLUS.

♪ [LAUGHTER] ♪ I WILL NEVER TELL A LIE, SAID JIMMY, THAT'S THE TRUTH ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE EVERY TIME I TELL A FIB ♪ ♪ I GROW ANOTHER TOOTH.

♪♪ [LAUGHTER] JIMMY CARTER WILL ONLY SERVE ONE TERM, WHY?

WELL, LET ME COUNT THE WAYS.

WE HAD OIL SHORTAGES, RIGHT?

WE HAD TROUBLE WITH IRAN AND THE RHETORIC BACK THEN, "WE'VE GOT TO END OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

YOU REALIZE GAS IS $1.50 A GALLON, OUTRAGEOUS."

SO AS I SAID, JIMMY CARTER IS VERY, VERY VULNERABLE.

POLITICS BEING POLITICS IT'S A GOOD TIME FOR SOMEBODY TO MOVE IN ON HIS OWN SIDE FOR THE PRIMARIES AND IT WAS TED KENNEDY.

SO KENNEDY ANNOUNCED FOR THE PRESIDENCY.

JIMMY CARTER REALLY SAID, "I'M GONNA KICK HIS ASS."

[MUSIC] ♪ NOW, FAMOUS WORDS OF HISTORY GO ♪ ♪ FROM JEFFERSON TO EARL BUTZ.

♪ ♪ "GIVE ME LIBERTY," SAID MR. HENRY, ♪ ♪ AND GENERAL MCAULIFFE SAID, "NUTS."

♪ ♪ ASK NOT WHAT YOU COULD DO JIMMY CAN DO AND TYLER TOO, ♪ ♪ ALL OUR WORDS OF CLASS, BUT CARVE IN STONE, ♪ ♪ THE WORDS OF JIMMY WHEN HE SAID I'LL WHIP HIS (BELL) ♪ ♪ I'LL WHIP HIS, (BELL) SOUNDS LITTLE SILLY HIS (BELL) ♪ ♪ SURE IT WASN'T BILLY?

♪ ♪ LAY LOW IN THE GRASS WHAT WAS IN HIS GLASS ♪ ♪ WHEN HE SAID, I'LL WHIP HIS (BELL) ♪♪ [LAUGHTER] I GOTTA TELL YA' I HAD TOTAL FREEDOM DURING THE SHOW.

I WAS NEVER CENSORED BY PBS AND WHY SHOULD I HAVE BEEN?

I WAS TOO CHICKEN TO SAY, ASS.

[APPLAUSE] OH, SONGS LIKE THAT KEPT ME OFF THE PRIME TIME TV FOR YEARS, NOW... [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC] NOW THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION, THAT'S GONNA BE A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING BECAUSE YOU STILL HAVE KENNEDY TRYING TO GET THE DELEGATES TO, YOU KNOW, COME OVER TO HIM AND ALL OF THAT AND THE CARTER PEOPLE WILL BE FIGHTING.

THE CARTER DELEGATES MARCHING UP AND DOWN THE AISLES OF MADISON SQUARE GARDEN CHANTING THEIR SLOGAN, "DON'T DUMP HIM NOW.

HE'S BEGINNING TO GET THE HANG OF IT."

[LAUGHTER] RONALD REAGAN IS DOING VERY WELL.

NOBODY BRINGS UP REAGAN'S AIDS.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT?

HE'S REALLY SURVIVING THAT.

ALTHOUGH ON HIS BIRTHDAY A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO REAGAN DID RECEIVE 10,000 BIRTHDAY CARDS, ALL FROM THE OTHER CANDIDATES, BUT NOBODY SEEMS...

THE MOST SUSPENSEFUL NIGHT OF THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION, YOU REMEMBER THAT NIGHT WHEN WE DIDN'T KNOW WHO MR. REAGAN'S RUNNING MATE WAS GOING TO BE.

FOR A WHILE IT WAS GOING TO BE JERRY FORD BUT IF HE HAD BEEN REAGAN'S NOMINEE IT WOULD HAVE DRIVEN US CRAZY, ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAD WON IN NOVEMBER.

YOU KNOW, WE'D HAVE TO CALL HIM VICE PRESIDENT ELECT PRESIDENT FORD.

[LAUGHTER] IT GETS COMPLICATED.

HE WOULD HAVE BEEN A FORMER CONGRESSMAN, A FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND A FORMER PRESIDENT RUNNING FOR VICE PRESIDENT DESIGNATE.

HE COULD HAVE BEEN AN ELECTED CONGRESSMAN, AN UNELECTED PRESIDENT AND AN UNELECTED VICE PRESIDENT RUNNING FOR ELECTION AS VICE PRESIDENT.

THAT IS NOT A TICKET.

THAT IS AN ENTIRE CHAPTER IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS.

AROUND THIS TIME COINCIDING WITH THE CAMPAIGNING WAS A SUDDEN RISE OF THE TELEVISION EVANGELIST.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LAW FIRM OF FIRE AND BRIMSTONE.

♪ WE ARE TELEVISION'S FUNDAMENTAL PREACHERS ♪ ♪ OF THE LAND ♪ ♪ WITH A MESSAGE HALLELUJAH HEAR IT WELL.

♪ ♪ WE ARE NOT ENDORSING CANDIDATES, ♪ ♪ WE TAKE A NEUTRAL STAND, ♪ ♪ SO VOTE FOR REAGAN OR YOU'LL GO TO HELL.

♪ ♪ GO TO HELL.

♪♪ SOME OF THESE TELEVISION EVANGELISTS, FIRST OF ALL, THEY WERE ALL BILLY GRAHAM WANNABES.

BILLY GRAHAM WAS THE GOLD STANDARD.

HE WASN'T IN THE SAME LEAGUE WITH THESE HACKS JIMMY SWAGGART, JIM AND TAMMY BAKER AND PAT ROBERTSON.

PAT ROBERTSON RAN FOR PRESIDENT AT ONE TIME.

♪ IF THE LORD WERE HERE TODAY HE WOULDN'T MAKE IT ON TV ♪ ♪ WITHOUT OUR TEETH, OUR HAIR, OUR CLOTHES, ♪ ♪ OUR PERFECT TAN.

♪ ♪ YES, HIS RATINGS WOULD BE LOW WITHOUT OUR HABERDASHERY ♪ ♪ BUT PRAISE THE LORD, HE'S REGISTERED REPUBLICAN.

♪ ♪ REPUBLICAN.

♪♪ WHY DID CARTER LOSE?

WELL, SO MANY REASONS.

THE HOSTAGE SITUATION, 52 AMERICANS WERE TAKEN HOSTAGE AND THE ULTIMATE TRAGEDY OF IT ALL REALLY WAS THE IRANIANS RELEASED THE HOSTAGES AT HIGH NOON ON JANUARY 20 WHEN RONALD REAGAN WAS BEING SWORN IN.

[MUSIC] ♪ WELL, IT WAS NEARLY CLOSING TIME ♪ ♪ IN THE DINGY BAR AND GRILL, JUST ONE CUSTOMER REMAINED ♪ ♪ AND MORE THAN HAD HIS FILL.

♪ ♪ HE DRANK TO HIDE THE GUILTS ♪ ♪ AS HE SET SLUMPED ACROSS THE BAR, ♪ ♪ THEN HE TOOK ANOTHER SWIG AND SAID ♪ ♪ TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR, ♪ ♪ "I ADMIT IT, I'M STARTING TO LIKE REAGAN.

♪ ♪ I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE WORDS I HEAR ARE COMIN' OUT OF ME.

♪ ♪ LORD, FORGIVE ME, I'M STARTING TO LIKE REAGAN."

♪ ♪ THE STRANGEST THINGS COME OVER YOU WHEN YOU REACH 33.

♪ [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC] SO WITH THE ARRIVAL OF REAGAN THE WHOLE MOOD IN WASHINGTON CHANGES.

THE DAY AFTER THE ELECTION IN WASHINGTON IT WAS NOT A PRETTY SIGHT.

AS THE HELICOPTERS WERE EVACUATING THE LIBERALS.

[LAUGHTER AND MUSIC] THEY WERE IN DANGER OF RUNNING OUT OF STRETCHERS.

LISTEN, A LIBERAL WOULD NOT WANNA BE IN THIS NEW CONGRESS, I'LL TELL YA'.

AS THEY SAID AT LITTLE BIG HORN, "THEM THAT DIES IS THE LUCKY ONES."

[APPLAUSE AND MUSIC] WE MEET NOW OUR REPUBLICAN FAMILY NEWLY ARRIVED IN WASHINGTON D.C. TO WORK WITH THE NEW ADMINISTRATION.

THEY'RE GETTING SETTLED AND DOING A LITTLE SITE SEEING BEFORE THEY BEGIN THE TASK AHEAD.

WE'LL MEET THEM RIGHT NOW.

♪ IT'S OUR FIRST TIME IN WASHINGTON D.C. ♪ ♪ WE'RE ALL EXCITED.

♪ ♪ WE'VE COME TO SEE THE SITES BEFORE WE SETTLE DOWN TO STAY.

♪ ♪ MEMORIALS TO LINCOLN AND TO JEFFERSON ARE CALLING.

♪ ♪ MOUNT VERNON IS ENTHRALLING, SO LET'S BE ON OUR WAY.

♪ ♪ AND WHERE DO THEY KEEP THE LIBERALS?

♪ ♪ THE KIDS HAVE NEVER SEEN ONE ♪ ♪ AND WE THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE FUN.

♪ ♪ TO PET A REAL LIVE LIBERAL, FOR SHOW AND TELL, ♪ ♪ A SOUVENIR OF REAGAN'S WASHINGTON.

♪ BUT WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT WHAT'S GOING ON IN WASHINGTON TODAY, THAT VOTE ON THE RAISE IN TAXES LAST WEEK AND WHEN I READ THAT RONALD REAGAN... RONALD REAGAN WANTED TO RAISE TAXES I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE SURPRISED IF YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT SOMEBODY CAUGHT NANCY BUYING A DRESS OFF THE RACK AT SEARS.

WHEN JIMMY CARTER LEFT OFFICE THE DEFICIT WAS $60 BILLION.

REAGAN PEOPLE ARRIVED AND THEY SAID, "WE CAN TRIPLE THAT," AND THEY DID.

I LIKED IT WHEN THE PRESIDENT SAID, HE SAID NOT LONG AGO, HE SAID, "THE WAY YOU BALANCE THE BUDGET IS THE SAME WAY YOU PROTECT YOUR VIRTUE.

YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO SAY, NO."

WHICH MAKES CONGRESS THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN WASHINGTON.

[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] I MEAN, WHEN THE REPUBLICANS START CRITICIZING THE WALL STREET BANKERS, THAT'S FUNNY.

[LAUGHTER] IT'S SCARY, BUT IT'S FUNNY.

LIKE THE COUNTRY CLUB ATTACKING THE YACHT BASIN FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

[LAUGHTER] SO I'M NERVOUS.

I'M ALSO VERY CONFUSED.

I MEAN, THIS CROWD CAN CONFUSE YOU.

I WAS JUST GETTING USED TO THE IDEA THAT KETCHUP WAS A VEGETABLE AND THEN THEY SAID NO, WE'RE WRONG, KETCHUP IS A VEGETABLE.

[LAUGHTER] I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS COMING WEEKEND, GOING OUT INTO THE COUNTRY, PICKING KETCHUP.

[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] JUST BEFORE THE BOTTLES ARE RIPE, THAT'S THE TIME FOR PLUCKING.

KETCHUP IS A VEGETABLE, IT'S THE SILLY THINGS WE NEED IN EVERY CAMPAIGN.

LIKE IN 2012 WHEN MITT ROMNEY WAS ACCUSED OF STRAPPING HIS DOG TO THE TOP OF HIS CAR.

♪ HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW, ♪ ♪ HE ONCE RODE THE TOP OF A CAR.

♪ ♪ HIS MASTER IS RUNNING FOR THE WHITE HOUSE, ♪ ♪ I DON'T THINK HE'LL GO VERY FAR.

♪ BOOP, CAN WE MOVE ON?

BIG BATTLE GOING ON IN WASHINGTON NOW BETWEEN RONALD REAGAN AND TIP O'NEIL, THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE OVER WHO HAD THE MOST IMPOVERISHED BOYHOOD.

DO YOU BELIEVE THESE TWO GUYS?

TO HEAR THESE TWO IRISHMAN TELL IT THEY BOTH STARTED DIGGING POTATOES AT THE AGE OF TWO AND A HALF, RIGHT?

WELL, IT STARTED AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE LAST WEEK.

PRESS CONFERENCE WAS OVER, DID YOU WATCH IT?

REAGAN WAS HALFWAY OUT OF THE ROOM AND SAM DONALDSON OF ABC YELLS ACROSS THE ROOM, "TIP O'NEIL SAID YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT POOR PEOPLE."

REAGAN SPUN AROUND, HEADED BACK TO THE MIC.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] "OH, YEAH?"

HE SAID, "WELL, WE DIDN'T EXACTLY LIVE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS, BUT WE WERE SO CLOSE WE COULD HEAR THE WHISTLE BLOWING."

[LAUGHTER] I WEPT TEARS WHEN I HEARD IT.

TIP O'NEIL WOULD GO BACK TO BOSTON AND HE'D SAY, "WELL, REAGAN IS A WONDERFUL GUY BUT HE'S KICKING THE HELL OUTTA ME," YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THIS, KIND OF, REVISED HISTORY ABOUT HOW WELL THEY GOT ALONG AND PEOPLE SAID, "WHY EVERY NIGHT TIP O'NEIL AND RONALD REAGAN HAD A BEER TOGETHER."

NO, NO, NO, ONCE A YEAR THEY HAD A BEER TOGETHER, ST. PATRICK'S DAY.

I CAN SEE THE CARTOON NOW, TWO IRISHMEN STANDING AT THE BAR, ROLLING UP THEIR SLEEVES, GETTIN' READY TO SQUARE OFF.

THEY'RE LABELED, TIP O'NEIL AND RONNIE O'REAGAN, RIGHT?

"STAND BACK YOU BLAGGARD," SAYS ONE, "I WALK 40 MILES TO SCHOOL AND ME FATHER WAS A HOG CARRIER.

I'LL NOT LISTEN TO THAT," SAID THE OTHER, "ME MOTHER TOOK IN WASHIN' FOR 35 YEARS," AND IT'S A RIGHT TO THE STOMACH AND A LEFT TO THE JAW AND THE TWO OF 'EM STAGGER OUT OF THE SALOON, GET INTO THEIR LIMOUSINES AND GO HOME.

[LAUGHTER] [MUSIC] OKAY, SO REAGAN IS RUNNING FOR REELECTION.

THERE ARE A LOT OF DEMOCRATS LINED UP TO KNOCK HIM OFF.

THERE WAS THE FORMER VICE PRESIDENT WALTER MONDALE, ARIZONA CONGRESSMAN MO UDALL, COLORADO SENATOR GARY HART, FORMER ASTRONAUT JOHN GLENN AND A HOST OF OTHERS, JESSE JACKSON WAS A CANDIDATE.

IN THE DEBATE JESSE JACKSON UNVEILED HIS NEW SELF.

SEE, YOU HAVE TWO JESSE JACKSON'S, WHAT I CALL THE, WALL STREET JESSE AND THEN YOU HAVE THE OTHER JESSE.

NOW THE WALL STREET JESSE IS THE ONE WE SAW AT THE DEBATE AND HE WOULD SAY, "WE MUST BE CONCILIATORY VIS-A-VIS OUR ADVERSARIES.

OH, YEAH," THAT'S WALL STREET... ...AND YOU HAVE THE OTHER JESSE WHO SAYS, "MINE EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY!!!

FROM THE OUTHOUSE TO THE WHITE HOUSE!"

YEAH, JESSE JACKSON REALLY DID SAY FROM THE OUTHOUSE TO THE WHITE HOUSE BY THE WAY.

♪ JESSE, HE WENT TO DAMASCUS, WOO, FOR THE GLORY ♪ ♪ THAT HE SOON WOULD WIN.

♪ ♪ HE WAS GRABBIN' ALL THE HEADLINES ♪ ♪ WHILE MONDALE GRABBED HIS LUGGAGE ♪ ♪ AND IN THE EAST POUGHKEEPSIE HILTON INN, LORD, LORD.

♪ SPOILER ALERT, MONDALE WILL GET THE NOMINATION.

ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT, HE WILL LOSE 49 STATES.

♪ THE SIGN OUT IN FRONT OF THE EAST POUGHKEEPSIE HILTON INN ♪ ♪ SAID TODAY'S SPECIAL VEAL CUTLET $6.95 ♪ ♪ AND WELCOME WALTER MONDALE.

♪♪ THEY DID NOT DISCUSS, ON THE DEBATE THEY SAID NOTHING ABOUT THE BALANCED BUDGET AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION.

NOW, WE OWE $180 BILLION.

REPUBLICANS SAY, "HEY, NO PROBLEM."

[LAUGHTER] YOU JUST AMEND THE CONSTITUTION TO DECLARE THE BUDGET BALANCED.

[LAUGHTER] YOU JUST CALL THE DEFICIT UNCONSTITUTIONAL...

IT'S GONE [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] THE BALANCED BUDGET AMENDMENT WOULD BE LIKE THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT OLD TELEVISION SHOW, TWILIGHT ZONE, RIGHT?

ROD SERLING, GOOD EVENING.

WELCOME TO THE TWILIGHT ZONE, TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO MEET A MAN NAMED RON WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVES IN THE ANCIENT MYSTICAL ALLUSION KNOWN AS THE BALANCED BUDGET AMENDMENT.

I FEEL WELL, MAYBE I WAS A LITTLE TOO ROUGH ON THE GUY AND THEN I LAY DOWN UNTIL THE FEELING PASSES.

RON ACTUALLY BELIEVES THAT HE CAN DO IT AND IF WE PRETEND HARD ENOUGH, WE CAN BELIEVE IT, TOO, HERE IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

THE END.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[APPLAUSE] MOST HISTORIC ASPECT OF THE '84 REPUBLICAN CONVENTION IN SAN FRANCISCO WAS WE HAD A WOMAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE, THAT WAS HISTORY.

GERALDINE FERRARO.

NOW I WOULD BE DISHONEST WITH YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF I DID NOT ADMIT THAT I AM NOT IN FAVOR OF A WOMAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.

HEAR ME OUT, HEAR ME OUT, HEAR ME OUT.

I THINK THE DEMOCRATS HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR WOMEN THAN THAT, THAN TO... [LAUGHTER] BESTOW ON A WOMAN THE DEMEANING TITLE OF VICE PRESIDENT WHICH, AFTER ALL, IS THE POLITICAL EQUIVALENT OF BAREFOOT AND PREGNANT.

[APPLAUSE] GERALDINE FERRARO WAS AN ESTABLISHED MEMBER OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.

SHE WAS SMART.

SHE KNEW THE ISSUES BUT SHE LOST.

NEXT VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE WOMAN, OF COURSE, WAS SARAH PALIN.

SHE WASN'T TOO SMART.

SHE DIDN'T KNOW THE ISSUES AND SHE LOST.

SO IT IS A LEVEL PLAYING FIELD, HOWEVER, PALIN WENT ON TO DELIVER SPEECHES AT $100,000 A POP.

THE TITLE OF HER SPEECH, FREEDOM ISN'T FREE AND NEITHER AM I. I DISAGREE WITH THOSE WHO DID NOT THINK THAT GERALDINE FERRARO COULD CAMPAIGN DOWN SOUTH.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

THEY WERE SAYING THAT SHE COULDN'T GO DOWN SOUTH UNLESS SHE WORE CRINOLINE AND CARRIED A PARASOL AND SAID THINGS LIKE, FIDDLE-DEE-DEE.

AND SCARLET O'HARA, I MEAN, THIS IS NOT GONE WITH THE WIND, THIS IS 1984 BUT THEY WERE SAYING, "NO, NO, NO, SHE HAS TO GO DOWN THERE AND BE INTRODUCED BY SOME BODY WHO WILL SAY, NOW, I WANT YA'LL TO MEET GERALDINE FERRARO, SHE'S ALL RIGHT.

SHE KNOWS ALL ABOUT BIRTHIN' BABIES."

[LAUGHTER] [MUSIC] MY TRADITION PRESIDENTIAL SECOND TERMS RARELY GO WELL.

REAGAN WAS NO EXCEPTION AND THE WASHINGTON POST, BEN BRADLEY WAS OVERHEARD SAYING, "I HAVEN'T HAD THIS MUCH FUN SINCE WATERGATE.

THEY WENT AFTER NIXON, NOW THEY'RE GOIN' AFTER REAGAN."

WELL, HERE WE ARE AT THE END OF THE SUMMER OF 1987, THE IRAN CONTRA HEARINGS ARE OVER WITH AND NOW WE CAN LOOK BACK AND, YOU KNOW, FOR THE PAST SIX YEARS, MANY OF US SAID THAT PRESIDENT REAGAN, WELL, WE SAID, "YOU'RE OUT OF TOUCH," HE SAID, "NO, I'M IN CHARGE."

NOW, WE'RE SAYING, "AH-HA, YOU WERE IN CHARGE," HE SAID, "NO, I WAS OUTTA TOUCH."

[LAUGHTER] BY 1987 WE HAD HAD NEARLY EIGHT YEARS OF REAGAN, HIS TERM WAS UP THE FOLLOWING YEAR.

WE KNEW THERE WAS GONNA BE A CHANGE IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND I WAS READY FOR IT.

OTHER CANDIDATES LINING UP, WE HAVE BIG NAMES LIKE BRUCE BABBITT.

(PIANO) RICHARD GEPHARDT.

(PIANO) JOSEPH BIDEN.

(PIANO) CHUCK ROBB.

(PIANO) IF YOU HAVE HEARD OF ANY OF THESE PEOPLE YOU ARE EITHER A NEWS JUNKIE OR A CLOSE RELATIVE OF ONE OF THEM.

[LAUGHTER] NOW, DO I THINK THAT BABBITT AND GEPHARDT AND BIDEN AND ROBB CAN MAKE IT INDIVIDUALLY, NO, BUT COLLECTIVELY... [LAUGHTER] AS ONE CANDIDATE, WHO KNOWS?

SO LADIES AND GENTLEMAN I GIVE YOU THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, MR. BABHART BIDENROBB.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] WELL, SATIRE GOT MORE CUTTING AND MORE OMINOUS, REALLY, AND MORE EDGY, A WORD I HATE, SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE BEGAN EXACTLY AT THE TIME WHEN WE DID AND SO IT WAS OPEN SEASON.

I LIKE TO POINT OUT TODAY THAT THEIR PROBABLY ONE MILLION POLITICAL HUMORISTS IN THE COUNTRY.

THEY'RE CALLED BLOGGERS.

[MUSIC] IN 1988, IT WAS A CONTEST BETWEEN GEORGE H. W. BUSH AND THE GOVERNOR OF MASSACHUSETTS, MICHAEL DUKAKIS.

AND THE OBLIGATORY, INSULTING, DUMBING DOWN FOR THE SOUTHERN VOTE.

IT'S LIKE MITT ROMNEY IN 2012 GOING DOWN SOUTH, "HI, YA'LL, I LOVE GRITS AND BY THE WAY MY WIFE DRIVES A COUPLE OF PICKUP TRUCKS."

THE CAMPAIGN IS NOW IN ITS SOUTHERN PHASE, SOUTHERN PHASE THAT'S WHEN MICHAEL DUKAKIS STARTS REFERRING TO HIS COUSIN, BUBBA IN TUSCALOOSA.

[LAUGHTER] SOUTHERN PHASE IS WHEN GEORGE BUSH SPEAKS FROM THE PULPIT OF A BLACK CHURCH AND SAYS, "FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, GOLLY, IT FEELS NEAT TO BE FREE AT LAST."

[APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER] NOW I READ IN THE PAPER THE OTHER DAY THAT THE NEW YORK STATE DELEGATION TO THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION IN ATLANTA NEXT SUMMER MUST CONSIST OF BLACK, HISPANIC, ASIAN, INDIAN, SENIOR CITIZEN, GAY AND LESBIAN MEMBERSHIP.

DIDN'T SAY WHAT HER NAME WAS.

[LAUGHTER] [MUSIC] THE FLAMBOYANTLY CHALLENGED MICHAEL DUKAKIS ALSO KNOWN AS ZORBA THE CLERK WOULD LOSE TO GEORGE H. W. BY 40 STATES AND ELVIS WAS SIGHTED AT EACH ONE OF THEM.

NOW, BUSH AT THIS TIME PROVIDED A WELL-NEEDED MOMENT OF LEVITY WHEN HE SOLEMNLY PROCLAIMED THAT HE HATED BROCCOLI.

♪ THE YEARS WAS 1930 AT A MANSION IN THE EAST, ♪ ♪ THE BUSH FAMILY HAD GATHERED ♪ ♪ FOR THE BIG THANKSGIVING FEAST.

♪ ♪ THE SERVANTS BROUGHT THE FOOD IN, ♪ ♪ TRAY AFTER HEAPING TRAY, ♪ ♪ THEN LITTLE GEORGE BEGAN TO POUT ♪ ♪ AND THEN WAS HEARD TO SAY, ♪ ♪ I WON'T EAT MY BROCCOLI, I WON'T EAT MY BROCCOLI ♪ ♪ WHEN I GROW UP YOU CAN'T MAKE ME ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M PRESIDENT SOME DAY.

♪ I REMEMBER THE BROCCOLI PEOPLE, NORMALLY IN BUSINESS THEY WOULD BE OFFENDED.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

WE'RE GONNA GO OUTTA BUSINESS.

AS I REMEMBER, THEY SENT HIM A SIX MONTH SUPPLY.

TONS OF BROCCOLI ARRIVED AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

♪ THE SERVANTS AND HIS GOVERNESS JUST SAT THERE HELPLESSLY ♪ ♪ WHEN THE DINNING ROOM EXPLODED WITH THE FLYING BROCCOLI.

♪ ♪ I WON'T EAT MY BROCCOLI, I WON'T EAT MY BROCCOLI ♪ ♪ WHEN I GROW UP YOU CAN'T MAKE ME ♪ ♪ WHEN I'M PRESIDENT SOMEDAY.

♪♪ [APPLAUSE] THE SONG, ALL OF A SUDDEN I REALIZED I HAD A FAN BASE OF EIGHT YEAR OLDS.

(LAUGHING) I SEE THE LITTLE, YOU KNOW, GRANDCHILDREN, YOU KNOW, THE BROCCOLI SONG, THEY LIKED THAT.

WELL, BUSH REALLY WASN'T AT THE TOP OF HIS GAME IN NEW HAMPSHIRE AND THE PEOPLE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE OUGHTA RESENT THE WAY BUSH CAME ON.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS SHUCKIN' AND JIVIN' AND DOIN' HIS RUBE ROUTINE AND DROPPIN' IS I-N-G'S AND QUOTING THE LYRICS FROM COUNTRY SONGS AND POSING FOR PICTURES STANDING NEXT TO A HERTZ RENTED CAMEL, RENTED COW AND I JUST GET NERVOUS THINKIN' ABOUT IT.

WELL, AT ONE POINT HE FOLLOWED THE NITTY GRITTY DIRT BAND AND YOU REMEMBER WHEN HE SAID,"I WANNA THANK THE NITTY DITTY, NITTY GRITTY GREAT BIRD."

AND I THOUGHT, IT MUST BE DAN QUAYLE'S WEEK TO WRITE THE SPEECHES.

AT ONE POINT THE PRESIDENT WAS IN A SUPERMARKET IN NEW HAMPSHIRE AND HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT A SCANNER WAS.

YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE PRICE SCANNERS, THE BAR CODES, DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

HE SAID, "REALLY?"

THE PRICE COMES, DIDN'T, NO.

YOU THINK HE'S READY FOR INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED CHEESE SLICES?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] [MUSIC] NOW, THE DEMOCRATS CAN WIN NEXT YEAR.

I MEAN, MATHEMATICALLY THEY CAN WIN BUT CERTAIN THINGS MUST TAKE PLACE IN ORDER FOR THEM TO DO SO.

IN ORDER FOR THE DEMOCRATS TO WIN IN '92 THE ECONOMY HAS TO REACH A POINT WHERE PEOPLE SERIOUSLY CONSIDER INVESTING IN BAGDAD MUNICIPAL BONDS.

[LAUGHTER] DEMOCRATS CAN WIN BUT THE MOOD OF THE COUNTRY HAS TO BE SUCH THAT THE FAMOUS LEE GREENWOOD WILL WRITE A HIT SONG CALLED, "PROUD TO BE A JORDANIAN."

DEMOCRATS CAN WIN BUT FIRST GENERAL COLIN POWELL MUST STATE THAT THE WAR WOULD HAVE ENDED MUCH SOONER IF THEY HAD HAD MICHAEL DUKAKIS AS A TANK COMMANDER.

SO AS THE CAMPAIGN OF '92 GOT UNDERWAY, SLICK WILLY, EXCUSE ME, GOVERNOR CLINTON HAD SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.

CLINTON HAD LARYNGITIS LAST WEEK AND HIS DOCTOR TOLD HIM IN ORDER TO SAVE HIS VOICE NOT TO DENY ANYTHING FOR FIVE DAYS.

WELL, WHAT WE KNEW ABOUT CLINTON HE WAS GOVERNOR AND THEN HE RAN AGAIN THEN HE LOST, THEN HE RAN AGAIN THEN HE WON.

HILLARY WAS KNOWN AS HILLARY RODHAM AND THAT DIDN'T GO WELL WITH THE FOLKS IN ARKANSAS, SO SHE DROPPED THE RODHAM.

AND OTHER THINGS WE KNEW ABOUT HIM WERE NOT GOOD.

THE MAN, HE DIDN'T JOG BUT HE RAN AROUND AS YOU WOULD SAY.

♪ BILL CLINTON HAS ARRIVED AT LAST, ♪ ♪ TIME TO DISREGARD HIS PAST, LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY, ♪ ♪ LOOK AWAY FROM HIS PAST.

♪ ♪ SO CAST THE VOTE FOR THE MAN FROM HOPE, ♪ ♪ HE NEVER INHALED SMOKE AND DOPE, ♪ ♪ LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY FROM HIS PAST.

♪ ♪ SO BILL AND AL'S THE TICKET, HOORAY, HOORAY, ♪ ♪ THESE TWO WHITE BOYS ARE ALL WE'VE GOT ♪ ♪ SO SAYS JESSE JACKSON.

♪ ♪ HOORAY, HOORAY, SO SAYS JESSE JACKSON.

♪ NOW, ABOUT THIS TIME PBS WAS UNDER HEAVY ATTACK FOR ITS ALLEGED, SO-CALLED LIBERAL BIAS.

WHILE AT THE SAME TIME THAT FLAMING LIBERAL, WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY, HAD BEEN ON PBS FOR ABOUT 20 YEARS.

AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW PUBLIC TELEVISION IS UNDER ATTACK IN CONGRESS.

THE FUNDING FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS AFFECTED BECAUSE OF ALLEGATIONS THAT ON PUBLIC TELEVISION THERE IS TOO MUCH LIBERAL BIAS.

YOU'VE HEARD THE STORIES THAT JULIA CHILD'S CHICKENS ONLY HAVE LEFT WINGS AND THINGS LIKE THAT.

SO I'M VERY COGNIZANT OF THIS AND I'M VERY CONCERNED ABOUT IT AND I DON'T WANNA BE CHARGED WITH BEING, YOU KNOW, TOO LEFT WING BIASED.

SO I'VE COME UP WITH A SELF-MONITORING SYSTEM HERE THIS EVENING WITH THESE LITTLE BELLS.

SO IF I HAVE A REFERENCE OR A JOKE ABOUT A CONSERVATIVE THEN I, MYSELF, WILL KEEP TRACK BY THIS, LITTLE CONSERVATIVE... A LIBERAL MORE RAUCOUS, YOU KNOW, LIKE THAT.

SO... [BELL RINGING] SO WE'LL BEGIN THE SHOW RIGHT NOW.

HERE WE GO.

[MUSIC] THIS JUST IN, BILL CLINTON... [BELL RINGING] HAS DENIED DODGING THE DRAFT AND SMOKING MARIJUANA WITH HIS BROTHER AT AN ALL-WHITE COUNTRY CLUB AFTER A ONE NIGHT STAND BEFORE DOING BUSINESS WITH A SAVINGS AND LOAN WHOSE LAWYER WAS HIS WIFE, HILLARY.

[LAUGHTER AND BELL RINGING] [APPLAUSE] BILL CLINTON ANNOUNCED THAT HIS RUNNING MATE WOULD BE TENNESSEE SENATOR AL GORE AND SOME PEOPLE WERE BOTHERED BY THE BREAK IN GEOGRAPHICAL TRADITION REGARDING RUNNING MATES BUT THERE'S REALLY A LOTTA DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CLINTON AND GORE.

ONE'S FROM TENNESSEE, ONE'S FROM ARKANSAS.

ONE WENT TO OXFORD, ONE WENT TO HARVARD, LOTTA DIFFERENCE.

[LAUGHTER] ONE WOULD RAISE YOUR TAXES, THE OTHER WOULD LOWER YOUR INCOME.

ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENCES.

[LAUGHTER] ♪ SO BILL AND AL'S THE TICKET, HOORAY, HOORAY.

♪ ♪ KEEPING CLINTON OUT IN FRONT AND HILLARY IN THE KITCHEN.

♪ ♪ HOORAY, HOORAY, HILLARY IN THE KITCHEN.

♪♪ [APPLAUSE] WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE.

I MISSPOKE, THAT WAS A YOUTHFUL INDISCRETION.

I WAS ONLY 55.

I REGRET SAYING THAT ABOUT HILLARY IN THE KITCHEN.

I ALSO REGRET HAVING TO SLEEP ON THE SOFA FOR ABOUT A WEEK AFTER I SAID IT.

[MUSIC] [LAUGHTER] DID YOU SEE THE OTHER DAY WHERE BARBARA BUSH TOOK HILLARY ON A TOUR OF THE WHITE HOUSE.

DID YOU SEE THAT?

BARBARA WAS HOLDING HILLARY'S HAND.

THAT BOTHERED ME.

I DIDN'T WANNA SEE THAT.

ANYTHING I HATE IS A GOOD LOSER.

I MEAN, I WANT BARBARA TO GET HER DIGS IN, YOU KNOW?

SHOWING HER AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE.

HERE MY DEAR IS THE STATE DINING ROOM WHERE GEORGE AND I ENTERTAIN MANY HEADS OF STATE, INCLUDING THE RUSSIANS BUT THEN I SUPPOSE YOUR HUSBAND KNEW THOSE PEOPLE BEFORE ANY OF US.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] HAVE A COOKIE?

I MADE THEM MYSELF, WELL.

[MUSIC] ♪ FAREWELL TO GEORGE AND BARB AND MILLIE, ♪ ♪ SOON THEY HAVE TO GO.

IT'S SAD BUT TRUE.

♪ ♪ TURN THE KEYS OVER TO WILLIE, HILLARY ♪ ♪ AND AL AND TIPPER, TOO.

♪ ♪ HILLARY IS ON THE HOTLINE IN THE OVAL OFFICE, ♪ ♪ SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

♪ ♪ WHILE BILL IS JOGGING TO MCDONALD'S ♪ ♪ KEEPING DOWN HIS WEIGHT WITH A SIDE OF FRIES.

♪ ♪ EVERYONE, KEEPING DOWN HIS WEIGHT WITH A SIDE OF FRIES.

♪♪ [APPLAUSE] PRESIDENT CLINTON'S HEALTHCARE PLAN IS A BIG GOVERNMENT PROJECT AS THE INTERSTATE HIGHWAY SYSTEM, THAT'S TRUE, WHICH UNDER THE DEMOCRATS WOULD HAVE NO OFF RAMPS.

NOW... [LAUGHTER] THE GENIUS OF HIS HEALTHCARE PLAN IS HOW THEY'RE GOING TO PAY FOR IT, WITH A TAX ON CIGARETTES.

I MEAN, I HEARD THAT I SAID, "OH, THANK YOU, LORD, I LOVE MY JOB."

I MEAN... [LAUGHTER] TO PAY FOR HEALTHCARE, THINK ABOUT IT, WITH A TAX ON CIGARETTES.

THEY'RE TELLING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,"ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY GET OUT THERE AND SMOKE TO PROVIDE THE TAX REVENUE TO PAY THE HOSPITAL COSTS FOR PEOPLE WHO SMOKE."

♪ THERE'S A MAGIC PRESCRIPTION TO PAY FOR THE COSTS ♪ ♪ OF HEALTHCARE ACROSS THE LAND.

♪ ♪ YOU GUESSED, ANOTHER TAX ON THOSE NASTY LITTLE PACKS ♪ ♪ OF CIGARETTES, WHAT A PLAN.

♪ ♪ NOW THE COST IS VERY HIGH AND EVERYONE MUST TRY ♪ ♪ TO COUGH UP WITH THE PRICE.

♪ ♪ IF YOU QUIT YOU'LL HAVE TO START AGAIN, ♪ ♪ LIGHT UP AND DO YOUR PART AGAIN ♪ ♪ AND FOLLOW THIS UNFILTERED ADVICE.

♪ ♪ PUFF AND KEEP ON DRAGGIN'.

♪♪ [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] IT'S A GIFT.

[MUSIC] SO WE HAVE AN ELECTION YEAR IN 1996, CLINTON RUNNING FOR REELECTION AGAINST SENATOR BOB DOLE.

SO CLINTON'S SECOND TERM WHICH HAD A LOT OF PATHOS AS WE MENTIONED HASN'T HAPPENED YET.

ALSO, THERE WAS A THIRD PARTY CANDIDATE, ROSS PEROT.

REMEMBER ROSS PEROT LOOKED LIKE A LITTLE GUY DANGLING FROM A CHARM BRACELET BUT I WOULDN'T DO A JOKE LIKE THAT.

♪ AND SO THE DEMOCRATS WERE GETTING READY ♪ ♪ TO HOLD THEIR CONVENTION IN THE WINDY CITY OF CHICAGO, ♪ ♪ THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1968.

♪ ♪ YA'LL REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED IN 1968, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.

♪ ♪ YOUNG BILL CLINTON WAS A STUDENT AT GEORGETOWN ♪ ♪ AT THE TIME AND HE WAS AT THAT CHICAGO CONVENTION IN '68.

♪ ♪ HE WASN'T INSIDE THE HALL BUT HE COULD SEE IT ♪ ♪ FROM THE PADDY WAGON.

♪ ♪ THAT'S WHEN HE FIRST INHALED...

TEAR GAS.

♪♪ [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC] SO '97 HERE THEY ARE, STILL TALKING ABOUT A BALANCED BUDGET AMENDMENT.

I WAS SO SICK OF TALKIN' ABOUT THE BALANCED BUDGET AMENDMENT BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP ME.

I WANNA TALK ABOUT THAT NEW BUDGET 'CAUSE IT'S A FARCE IN MY OPINION.

THEY SAID, "OH, THE BUDGET IS BALANCED," MAY THE 5TH, COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, BIG DAY.

MAY THE 5TH, THEY SAID, "WE DID IT!

WE'VE GOT A BALANCED BUDGET ON PAPER."

THE DAY BEFORE THEY WERE DEAD IN THE WATER.

THEY WERE STUCK.

THEY SAID, "OH, WE'RE THIS CLOSE."

THIS CLOSE WAS $50 BILLION, 24 HOURS LATER THE PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED.

THEY GOT A BALANCED BUDGET, WHY?

BECAUSE THE GOOD FAIRY FROM THE CONGRESSIONAL BUDGET OFFICE GAVE THEM A WINDFALL OF $225 BILLION THAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD.

IT WAS LIKE FINDING MONEY IN THE POCKET OF AN OLD PAIR OF PANTS.

YOU KNOW, LOOK AT THIS, IT COULD'VE GONE THE OTHER WAY.

IT COULD'VE BEEN A DEBIT BUT IT WAS A CREDIT.

THE PEOPLE AT THE CONGRESSIONAL BUDGET OFFICE SAID, "LOOK AT THIS!

$225 BILLION CREDIT," THE OTHER GUY SAID, "I THOUGHT THAT WAS A DEBIT?"

HE SAID, "NO, YOU IDIOT, YOU MAKE A C LOOK LIKE A D," AND SO... [LAUGHTER] THE BUDGET WILL BE BALANCED IN FIVE YEARS.

ACCORDING ON PAPER FIVE YEARS.

THAT WOULD BE MAY 5, 2002 1:30 IN THE AFTERNOON AND IT WILL REMAIN BALANCED UNTIL 2:00.

[LAUGHTER] IT WOULD BE BALANCED LONGER BUT THE BABY BOOMERS ARE GONNA HAVE TO DIE A LITTLE SOONER.

MONICA LEWINSKI, NO COMEDIAN SHOULD BE PROUD OF HIS OR HER LEWINSKY JOKES.

IT WAS TOO EASY.

DID THE PRESIDENT KNOW, DO YOU THINK, THAT A FEW YEARS AGO WHEN HE SIGNED THE CRIME BILL THAT HE WOULD KNOW THAT THREE STRIKES AND YOU'RE OUT WOULD REFER TO JENNIFER FLOWERS, PAULA JONES AND MONICA LEWINSKY?

[LAUGHTER] IS IT ANY WONDER THAT WHEN THEY DESIGNED THE WEST WING OF THE WHITE HOUSE YEARS AGO THAT THEY WOULD MAKE THE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE INTO AN OVAL SO HE COULDN'T CORNER AN INTERN?

[LAUGHTER] THIS WAS A MAJOR PRESIDENTIAL CRISIS.

IT ALMOST ENDED CLINTON'S ADMINISTRATION.

I KNOW LIBERAL DEMOCRATS, FRIENDS OF CLINTON WHO WERE CALLING FOR HIM TO RESIGN.

♪ THANK HEAVEN FOR LITTLE GIRLS.

♪ ♪ I INTERVIEW THEM WHEN THEY'RE 23.

♪ ♪ I LOOK FOR THE KIND OF GIRLS ♪ ♪ FAMILIAR WITH WHAT'S NOT ADULTERY.

♪ ♪ THE WINNER'S NAME WILL THEN GO IN THE FILE ♪ ♪ TO BACK HER PRESIDENT WHEN HE'S IN DENIAL.

♪ ♪ THE LUCKY YOUNG INTERN THEN WILL HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE ♪ ♪ THAT SHE SERVED HER COUNTRY FAITHFULLY BUT MORE THAN THAT, ♪ ♪ SHE'S SERVIN' ME.

♪ ♪ DISTRACTIONS, I'VE GOT A FEW.

♪♪ SO WHILE ALL OF THIS IS GOING ON CLINTON IS HAVING THE WORST WEEK OF HIS LIFE AND HE GOES TO THE GRIDIRON DINNER.

THAT'S A BIG DEAL IN WASHINGTON.

EVERYBODY TELLS JOKES AND ALL THIS STUFF, LIGHT, MIRTH, MERRIMENT.

SO CLINTON GETS UP THERE.

WE WERE WONDERING WHY DID HE EVEN SHOW UP AT A MOMENT, LIKE, WHAT IS HE GONNA SAY?

SO HE WAS INTRODUCED.

HE GOES UP TO THE MICROPHONE, FIRST WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH, HE LOOKS OUT OVER THE CROWD AND SAYS, "SO HOW WAS YOUR WEEK?"

RIGHT NOW THERE ARE MAJOR CHANGES ALREADY UNDERWAY AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THE PRAYER BREAKFAST IS NOW A DAILY EVENT.

FOLLOWED BY THE PRAYER LUNCH, FOLLOWED BY SERVICES IN THE NEW CHAPEL WHICH USED TO BE THE PANTRY JUST OFF THE OVAL OFFICE.

[LAUGHTER] THIS ONE HAS MORE THAN ONE KNEELER, BUT ANYWAY EVERYDAY...

EVERYDAY.

[LAUGHTER] EVERYDAY THE REVEREND JESSE JACKSON DROPS BY TO PERFORM A FULL IMMERSION BAPTISM ON THE PRESIDENT AS HILLARY SAYS, "HOLD HIM DOWN A LITTLE LONGER, JESSE."

THE STUDIO AUDIENCE HERE IN BUFFALO THE SIZE OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES AND SO WE CAN SETTLE IT NOW, RIGHT HERE AND NOW.

A YES VOTE IS FOR IMPEACHMENT.

A NO VOTE IS AGAINST IMPEACHMENT.

HOW MANY IN HERE WITH YOUR APPLAUSE, HOW MANY IN HERE VOTE, YES?

[APPLAUSE] SO IN THE END AFTER MONTHS OF INVESTIGATION AND HE ADMITS THAT HE LIED ABOUT HAVING SEX AND THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES IMPEACHES HIM.

HOW MANY VOTE, NO?

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] IN THE TRIAL, IN THE SENATE, HE'S ACQUITTED, SO HE'S STILL PRESIDENT.

HOW MANY HAVE NEVER LIED ABOUT SEX?

NEVER LIED?

[LAUGHTER] HOW MANY LIED JUST THEN?

(LAUGHTER) I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THIS, DID YOU?

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE A TRIAL IN THE SENATE PRESIDED OVER BY THE CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE UNITED STATES WILLIAM REHNQUIST, I HAVE GREAT RESPECT FOR REHNQUIST ALTHOUGH MY PERSONAL CHOICE WOULD'VE BEEN CLARENCE THOMAS BUT WHY QUIBBLE.

I MEAN, NO, THOMAS JUST SEEMED TO ME TO HAVE MORE FAMILIARITY WITH THE SUBJECT MATTER, THAT'S ALL.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE NIGHT OF THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS, MS. CLINTON WAS UP IN THE GALLERY AND THE PRESIDENT LOOKED UP AND HE SAID, "I HONOR HER."

[LAUGHTER] AND SHE GAVE HIM A LOOK.

[LAUGHTER] WHICH SEEMED TO SAY, "NICE TRY."

WELL, ALL WAS NOT PEACEFUL IN THE CLINTON HOUSEHOLD AND HILLARY CLINTON DOES WHATEVER AN AGGRIEVED SPOUSE WOULD DO, SHE RUNS FOR THE SENATE IN NEW YORK AND WEARING A YANKEE'S BASEBALL CAP.

AND WHEN YOU LOOK BACK ON THAT, SHE HAD TWO OPPONENTS.

FOR A WHILE THERE, RUDY GIULIANI AND THEN A GUY NAMED, RICK LAZIO.

WITH OPPONENTS LIKE THAT ALL SHE NEEDED TO WIN WAS THE BASEBALL CAP.

NOW, VICE PRESIDENT AL GORE CLAIMED THE OTHER DAY THAT HE INVENTED THE INTERNET.

AL GORE SAYS HE INVENTED THE INTERNET.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, I BELIEVE HIM.

[LAUGHTER] I BELIEVE HIM AND I ALSO BELIEVE IT TOOK PLACE IN THE SAME SCIENTIFIC LABORATORY WHERE GORE HIMSELF WAS INVENTED.

[LAUGHTER] LET ME TELL YOU AN AL GORE STORY FOR A MINUTE.

HE WAS PERCEIVED AS BEING WOODEN AND EVERYTHING.

I KNEW HIS PARENTS AND I RAN INTO HIS MOTHER ONE TIME AND SHE SCOLDED ME, YOU KNOW, SHE SAID, "STOP SAYING THAT MY SON HIS WOODEN.

I TAUGHT HIM TO STAND UP STRAIGHT."

AND I THOUGHT, "MAYBE SHE DOESN'T STAY UP TO WATCH THE LATE NIGHT COMICS."

SHE THINKS I'M THE ONLY ONE DOING THE JOKES.

GORE OBVIOUSLY HAS BEEN HELPED BY THE FUND RAISER THEY HAD IN WASHINGTON THE OTHER NIGHT, THE BIGGEST FUND RAISER IN THE HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY.

THEY RAISED $26 MILLION IN ONE NIGHT WHILE THEY LISTENED TO SPEECHES CALLING FOR THE REFORM OF CAMPAIGN FINANCE.

SO GORE MADE A SPEECH AND HE CRITICIZED THE FUND RAISER THAT BUSH HAD A WEEK EARLIER AND GORE SAID, "DID YOU SEE WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THE BUSH CAMPAIGN AT THE FUND RAISER?

PHILLIP MORRIS, NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION AND THE HMO'S."

AND IT'S TRUE, THEY WERE THERE.

PHILLIP MORRIS GIVING AWAY FREE CIGARETTES, THE NRA GAVE AWAY FREE BULLETS AND THE HMO'S GAVE AWAY GIFT CERTIFICATES GOOD FOR A $30 BYPASS.

[LAUGHTER] BUT THE THING IS THESE GROUPS ARE BI-PARTISAN.

THESE GROUPS GIVE TO EVERYONE.

THE NRA GIVES TO THE DEMOCRATS UNDER AN ASSUMED NAME.

[LAUGHTER] NUNS FOR GUNS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] AND AS FAR AS TOBACCO IS CONCERNED, THEY GREW TOBACCO ON THE GORE FAMILY FARM DOWN IN TENNESSEE.

IT'S IN THE GORE CAMPAIGN LITERATURE TALKS ABOUT IT WHERE AL REMINISCES ABOUT MANY A HAPPY BOYHOOD SUMMER PICKING ALFALFA.

WELL... [MUSIC] SO THE ELECTION OF 2000 ON THE HORIZON, WE HEAR FOR THE FIRST TIME THE NAME OF ANOTHER BUSH, GEORGE W. NOW, BUSH HASN'T EVEN ANNOUNCED YET AND YET HE'S THE FRONT RUNNER.

HE DESCRIBES HIMSELF AS A COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE.

COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE, I WISH HE WOULD MAKE UP HIS MIND.

WELL...

THE ELECTION OF 2000 WAS A MESS.

IT NARROWED DOWN TO FLORIDA, FLORIDA, FLORIDA, AS TIM RUSSERT POINTED OUT AND HE HAD THESE BALLOTS-R-US AND THESE DIMPLED CHADS AND HANGING CHADS AND PREGNANT CHADS AND THEN BECAUSE OF THESE CRAZY BUTTERFLY BALLOTS YOU ACTUALLY HAD PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE VOTING FOR GORE AND THEY WOUND UP VOTING FOR PAT BUCHANAN.

[LAUGHTER] ♪ FLORIDIANS WENT TO THE POLLS ♪ ♪ AND PUNCHED THOSE TINY, LITTLE HOLES.

♪ ♪ AND PICKED A WINNER BY A TAD ♪ ♪ AND LEFT US DANGLING LIKE A CHAD, ♪ ♪ DANGLE ON THE CHAD AND I DON'T CARE, ♪ ♪ DANGLE ON THE CHAD AND I DON'T CARE, ♪ ♪ DANGLE ON THE CHAD AND I DON'T CARE.

♪ ♪ WE'LL NEVER KNOW WHO WON.

♪♪ [MUSIC] THE NATION HELD ITS BREATH FOR 32 DAYS BETWEEN THE ELECTION OF 2000 AND THAT MOMENT IN DECEMBER WHEN FIVE SUPREME COURT JUSTICES ELECTED GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

GOOD EVENING GLOATING REPUBLICANS, DISGRUNTLED DEMOCRATS, ELDERLY FLORIDA VOTERS FOR PAT BUCHANAN, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN.

WELL, IT IS OFFICIAL.

WE HAVE A PRESIDENT ELECT IN THIS GREAT DEMOCRACY OF 200 MILLION CITIZENS THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.

ALL FIVE OF THEM.

[LAUGHTER] INCLUDING SILENT CLARENCE THOMAS WHO BLINKED IN THE AFFIRMATIVE AND BECAME THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE WORLD.

WELL, SO WHAT, WE CAN TAKE IT.

SO WHAT IF WE ARE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE WORLD?

IF THIS CUTS DOWN ON IMMIGRATION IT'S WORTH IT.

[LAUGHTER] WELL, WE'RE ROLLING ALONG WITH THE FUN AND THE GAMES AND THE LAUGHS AND THE JOKES AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE LAUGHTER CAME TO A HALT.

THE COUNTRY CAME TO A HALT.

I CAME TO A HALT BECAUSE OF SEPTEMBER 11, 2001.

AND YET I HAD A SHOW TO DO.

FOR DAYS JUST LIKE YOU I SAT IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION SET.

I FOUND MYSELF SINKING INTO A PLACE WHERE I DID NOT WANT TO GO, SOME SHOWS WERE CANCELLED.

THAT WAS NOT THE CASE WITH PBS.

I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

I WATCHED THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH BEFORE THE CONGRESS A FEW WEEKS AGO.

I THOUGHT IT WAS TERRIFIC, BOY, HAVE I CHANGED.

[LAUGHTER] I MEAN, ANY OTHER TIME IF HE HAD LOOKED OUT THERE AND IN THE HOUSE CHAMBER SAW ALL THOSE DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS UNITED HE MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT HE WAS IN THE WRONG PLACE.

I MEAN, THE ONLY TIME THE DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS ARE THAT UNITED IN CONGRESS IS WHEN THEY ARE VOTING FOR THEIR OWN PAY RAISE.

[LAUGHTER] AND I LIKED IT WHEN HE SAID THAT THE TERRORISTS WILL JOIN THE NAZIS AND THE FASCISTS IN HISTORY'S UNMARKED GRAVE OF DISCARDED LIES.

THAT WAS GOOD AND THEN HE TOLD US TO GET ON WITH OUR LIVES, GET BACK TO WORK.

SO HERE I AM, BACK TO WORK, SO GOOD EVENING.

[APPLAUSE] I'VE TAKEN OUT ALL OF THE GEORGE W. BUSH JOKES AND THAT LEAVES US WITH A NICE, TIDY LITTLE FOUR AND A HALF MINUTE SHOW.

[LAUGHTER] AND WE'LL TAKE UP THE REST OF THE TIME WITH A MEMBERSHIP DRIVE.

(APPLAUSE) THIS JUST IN WE HAVE A LATE BREAKING BULLETIN FROM BAGDAD... (PIANO FLUTTER) ...THE U.N.

WEAPONS INSPECTORS HAVE JUST FOUND JIMMY HOFFA AND WE KNOW THAT NORTH KOREA HAS NUCLEAR WEAPONS SO WE'RE GOING TO NEGOTIATE WITH THEM.

WHY?

TWO WORDS, KOREAN CARS.

PAKISTAN, THE AUTHORITIES BANGED ON THE DOOR AND SAID IT WAS ED MCMAHON OF PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER] JIMMY CARTER HAD HIS KILLER RABBIT, GEORGE W. BUSH HAS THAT STUPID DUCT TAPE, EVERYBODY AROUND THE COUNTRY IS BUYING THIS DUCT TAPE.

DO I THINK THE PRESIDENT IS A MORON?

NO, I DO NOT.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I LOOKED UP THE WORD IN THE DICTIONARY.

IT SAID, "MORON, WHAT THE REPUBLICANS WOULD BE CALLING BUSH IF HE WAS A DEMOCRAT."

[MUSIC] [APPLAUSE] I ALLUDED TO JOHN KERRY WAR STATEMENT A MINUTE AGO.

YEAH, KERRY MIGHT SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "WELL, YEAH, I VOTED FOR THE WAR BUT IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW, WOULD I HAVE VOTED FOR IT?

PERHAPS."

[LAUGHTER] "YEAH, I VOTED FOR THE $87 BILLION TO PAY FOR THE WAR BUT THAT WAS BEFORE I VOTED AGAINST IT."

[LAUGHTER] "I VOTED AGAINST IT AFTER I VOTED FOR IT.

WHEN I VOTED FOR IT I KNEW I WAS GONNA VOTE AGAINST IT AND WHEN I VOTED FOR IT AND THEN I VOTED AGAINST IT."

[LAUGHTER] "WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

YEAH, I VOTED FOR THE WAR BUT NOT THIS ONE."

[LAUGHTER] "SPANISH-AMERICAN, BOAR WAR, TAKE YOUR PICK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.

SO YOU KNOW THE DRILL, I'M ONLY GONNA NAME THREE CANDIDATES.

WHEN WE DO THIS A LOT OF YOU KNOW EACH OTHER, YOU ALL KNOW EACH OTHER HERE AND YOU MIGHT NOT WANNA VOTE WHEN OTHER PEOPLE SEE YOU.

SO WHAT WE DO, WE ASK YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES WHILE YOU'RE VOTING.

ALL RIGHT, IF THE ELECTION BE HELD TOMORROW HOW MANY HERE VOTE FOR RALPH NADER?

[ONE APPLAUDS] [LAUGHTER] THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANKS.

[LAUGHTER] GOOD MAN, GOOD MAN.

GEORGE W. BUSH.

[APPLAUSE] JOHN KERRY.

[APPLAUSE] THEY'RE HOLDING UP A SIGN.

WE HAVE SOME FOLKS FROM THE NIELSEN RATING HERE TONIGHT AND THE WINNER IS, RALPH NADER, VERY GOOD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU FOR COMING.

SO AS WE SEE ALL THE ISSUES ARE STILL WITH US, WHICH IS NOT A GOOD THING BUT THE HUMOR IS ALSO STILL WITH US WHICH IS A GOOD THING.

THANKS TO ALL THE JOKES, ELECTED AND OTHERWISE.

REMEMBER THAT WHEN YOU VOTE TOMORROW THAT WILL BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU WILL DO ALL DAY UNLESS ON YOUR WAY HOME YOU GIVE BIRTH TO QUINTUPLETS.

[LAUGHTER] WHEN YOU GET IN THAT BOOTH KEEP CALM, KEEP COOL AND BE PROUD.

REMEMBER THAT NATHAN HALE WAS SHOT SO YOU COULD GO IN THERE AND VOTE.

THE ENTIRE NORMANDY INVASION WAS LAUNCHED SO THAT YOU AND YOU ALONE COULD GET A BABY SITTER AND GO DOWN THERE AND PULL THAT LEVER.

THE JAPANESE WAR LORDS AT THE END OF WORLD WAR II SIGNING THAT SURRENDER ON THE DECK OF THE USS MISSOURI IN THEIR LITTLE TUXEDOS AND WING COLLARS DID THAT SO YOU COULD VOTE.

JOHN WAYNE LED YVONNE DECARLO INTO THE MEKONG DELTA... [LAUGHTER] SO THAT YOU COULD STAND THERE IN SOME CRUMMY SCHOOL CAFETERIA THAT SMELLS...

SMELLS OF LIBRARY PASTE AND VOTE.

[APPLAUSE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GET ON WITH THINGS...

THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE] [MUSIC] THIS PROGRAM HAS BEEN MADE POSSIBLE BY OUR MEMBERS.

THANK YOU.

ANY OF YOU WHO JUST MIGHT WANNA ASK ME THE QUESTION, "DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE A JOKE OUT OF EVERYTHING?"

[LAUGHTER] YEAH.

AND YOU MIGHT DO THE SAME BECAUSE IT'S CHEAPER THAN PROZAC.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.